satisfied - orignally posted on june 3

i wrote an entry awhile ago titled 'in defense of passion' it was back in my wordpress blog days, for those who haven't read it, its an entry i wrote just before i had my portfolio submission. it was a declaration of my passion for what i wanted, i wanted acceptance into the art program. at the time i had been struggling with the thoughts of what my future plans were, i knew i wanted to be a photographer, but there were other things that were vying for attention in my mind, including my now second major archeology and my now minor, religious studies.

i wrote the entry as a way to justify to myself, to my family, to my friends, and to my advisors who kept up with my blog the reasons i had for why i wanted to be accepted. i wrote on how i saw things in portraits and shots, that i always carried a camera with me, how i spent hours over individual photographs and how my joy was to spend my time working with my cameras and film. i wrote the entry before i wasn't accepted. it was a huge disappointment and called into question everything that i had worked so hard for, the blood and sweat and tears i had put into those photographs and into the art department. it all crashed down around me. it still hurts to talk about, it hurts to look at my portfolio, which i only recently took out of my car (where it has been resting comfortably out of sight and out of mind since i had to go pick it up last semester). I'm still picking up the pieces, I'm healing, and revising and looking ahead.

its definitely not the first time God has had to smack me with a good dose of reality before. its not the first thing that i've loved that has been forcibly shaken from me. God put me in a position where i was forced to realign my goals, my perceptions and my ideas about my life and myself. for the last month or so i've had to wade through all of the stuff Gods skimming out of my life, its not been easy. i've had to relive and confront alot of things that were lacking or taking up space in my heart. its been a life changing experience. it hurts, and i couldn't be happier about it.

a life change has been long in the works for me. Gods placed so many marvelous and beautiful people in my life as of late and i've been seeing the footprints He has left in my life in such clear detail. I'm getting closer and closer to Him and to the full blooming and realization of the plan he has for my life. I'm learning more, I'm gaining courage and confidence in myself and my talents, whereas before i was completely unsure of who i was and whether or not i was of any value to anyone. Christ is taking me into His hands and giving me peace all the while He is setting my spirit ablaze, I'm seeing His hands in so much of my life and the lives of others around me. He is changing my life and the thing i am most excited about, He is giving me back my passion.

its the force in me that most of the people i know admire about me. I'm one to get caught up in a storm of passion. over something new i've discovered and set my sights on. its something that burns bright in my eyes. but had been taken from me with the receiving of that piece of paper that said 'not accepted' . i can feel it rising in me again. I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me. its a force I'm seeing more and more in the people I'm around. i can see it flame in Jeremy's eyes when he speaks of his plans for his mission trip to new york city, its his desire to help people. i see it in katrina, in her determination to make her life matter, to rise about the circumstances that have held her down. i see it in nathan, who's in morocco right now, playing his heart and soul out in a mission to spread peace and harmony through his music. its in daniel, who is seeing his dreams of bringing quality christian music to a growing jaded generation. its everywhere. its beautiful. it brings a spirit of action. a spirit of mission, of purpose. i love to see it in those that i love around me, i love to see how I'm helping people, through my art, through my writing, through simply listening, i love that I'm feeding the fire in their own soul. I'm excited about the prospect of being an example for those around me. a light where there seemingly is none.

its in this spirit of passion that I'm walking through life. its in the spirit of passion, of purpose that I'm excited to wake up every morning. its the anticipation of seeing what God has for me that drives me. its like that steven curtis chapman song, 'all things new', its about waking up in the morning and knowing that The Almighty God is madly in love with you, its walking in the fresh air and seeing what He has created for us. The absolute beauty of the blue sky, the grass, the dew that puddles in a leaf in the morn ing. the majestic life that He has given to us. It burns in my soul, and its such a glorious feeling to see that people are seeing a light in my that they want to share. lives are changing all around me. i cant explain the joy i feel knowing that I'm part of something like that.

its something so much bigger than i am, its something that has the power to unite the world. its raw beauty, its exactly what God wishes to place in the lives of His precious children. i cant put into words what it feels like to walk away from receiving the Word from church and walking out of the building with my spirit absolutely saturated with life, with newly refreshed vigor. its a revolution that has the potential to sweep through the world. God is changing lives, He is changing hearts. He's raising an army, not to kill, but to conquer fear, heartbreak, sadness, pain. All of that falls into dust at His feet. Healing can be brought with a whisper of a prayer. its such an amazing love.

i was speaking to kie about my testimony while we were driving to sonic this last Wednesday. we spoke about all the crap we had been through, all of the things that tainted our lives. we spoke about our desire to make a difference. we spoke about how Christ has burned through our lives and turned all of that pain, all of that disappointment, all of the sadness, the suffering, He has burned it away and left us with a passion for His Word, a thirst for His Grace, a desire to bring not only ourselves, but those around us closer to Him. He has healed our broken hearts. He has taken away our loneliness, and He is bringing to our lives such exciting things. Hes breathed new lives into our bodies, and we're going to share it with everyone.

its a passion that i've never felt before. its a fire that burns. a fire that feeds my spirit and burns away all of the loneliness that i struggle with, all of the hurt and pain of the past is gone, and in its place are amazing and anticipation of what the future holds for me. I'm not scared anymore of what is to come. i look forward to see what His Will is for my life. i have a purpose, i have a heart full of love and wonder. and I'm absolutely drowning in his Grace, i cant describe the joy. i can only say this. if you have never felt this, you've never truly lived. open your heart, open your mind, receive the healing and love His has for you. it happens and bring so much joy, its such a surprise.

He makes all things new!

Jamie