Captivating.

Captivating love. Its a subject I've wanted to write about for awhile, and it came up alot this weekend, so I thought it would be appropriate to take a stab at it here. Mom also bought me a book for my quiet time called 'Captivating' by John and Stasi Eldredge, the same couple that wrote 'Wild at Heart' for men. Its a fun read. I'm trying not to read the whole thing a once because its a pretty deep text. I want time to be able to read and think on whats being said. The basic gist of the book is kind of an instruction manual on how a woman can keep her Feminine heart. Be vulnerable but not walked over, keep her dreams of white horses and knights and not allow the heartbreaks of yesterday crush her spirit. Its exciting . We all know women are more complicated then men, if for no other reason than we tend to decide with our heart and not our head. We allow our emotions to have a larger hold on us in general. Its not a bad thing. I love it. I love knowing that every decision that I make is made with my heart. Some things are reserved to be made rationally, but my heart reigns, I know that any decision I make with it, whether to pain or happiness is completely my own because I sought it out with my heart.

It came up this weekend, this subject of love. With some of my guy friends and many of my girlfriends. One theme that was brought up repeatedly was the subject of whether or not it is worth the risk. Whether or not one should invest ones heart in another, because it may at some point end in heartache. I had interesting arguments on both sides but I really wanted to get my view across as well.

Love can hurt. We all know that. Its as beautiful as it is ugly and its happy and painful, just like life. Things don't always go the way we want them too, but in the end, you learn something. Just as its supposed to be. I've had some extraordinary love affairs in my life. I'm one to have serious relationships, of course I've dated, more people then I can remember, but relationship, boyfriend wise, I've had some really great loves. I feel privileged. I was the keeper of someones heart, the subject of someones love. Though those loves ended, heartbreak and pain, it was beautiful as well. I'm not the same person I was when I was 16. I'm not the same person I was when I began each of these relationships. I've changed, for the better. I've learned great lessons that I'll treasure forever. I've walked hand in hand with some extraordinary people, and each one of them shone a light into a part of me I hadn't seen before, each brought to the surface some hidden part of me that makes me the woman I am now. I am eternally grateful to each of them for contributing to my overall person now. Does that mean it was always roses and starlit picnics? Not at all. Hurt, pain, those things were there too. Every relationship, and I can say this with great authority has its ups and downs, things go perfect and then wither away as quickly as the wind, but its the moments in between, the memories that make them worth it. If one could crawl into my head and see my memories it would be like a photo book. I'm a photographer, my memories are snapshots. You would see the smiles and flowers at school. The special birthday dinners, the laying under the stars talking face to face. Each moment of my life is precious to me. I'm not naive enough to say that I want to forget everything that happened when I was with so and so because it ended and I was heartbroken. These snapshots, these words, these memories, they're my most precious possession. Sure, at the time of breakups it was time to lock those things way to prevent torment and further crushing of a broken heart. But, as with a death, in time, the heart heals, the scars fade and the time to take out that old dusty box of memories is ok. I made it a point to avoid thinking about it during my healing process, but when the time came where I knew I could look objectively at the time then I began to allow myself to see things that happen. I still smile at the times I've had with my loves. They were great highlights in my life, great men who helped shape me. Their hearts were precious to me, as their memories are to me now.

Thinking about it, I know how someone can look at the whole process, the infatuation at the beginning, the happiness and peace that settles with time and then the fallout of heartbreak and say, no, its not worth taking someone who I'm not sure it could come to marriage with. I can see how some may see that as a plausible reason to skip the whole serious dating thing. I just know how I feel, that love is love. Its beautiful to me. I love meeting someone new and spending time with them, enjoying their presence, learning about them. I understand that when I begin to invest care and feelings into someone that things could go rotten at any moment, but isn't that what life is about? Taking risks, getting thrashed? Corey Crowder is a really extraordinary guy, he recently was one of our headliners for Waking Hour. I got to sit and talk with him after we did sound check and we were all hanging out waiting for showtime. He and his beautiful wife were asking about me and I mentioned and that my favorite of Corey's songs was 'Learning to let go'. They asked why and I told them about how the song reminds me that life is beautiful, that great love comes and goes, that in the end, when that great loves time comes to a close its important to be able to look back and say that things are going to be ok. That as the song says, you have to remember to live your life, and most importantly, that you have to let go of the past. The song goes like this...

'Am I wasting my breath?
Cause it's still in my mind
That its always the wrong place
At the wrong time
So lets face the facts
We all make mistakes
We've got to live life
Before it passes right by.

So before you pack your things and go
There's one last thing that I want you to know
That you can't find happiness
If you won't let go

Can't agree on one thing
You can't fight fate with fate
We had a good love
But it's seen it's last days
When opportunity knocked
You had to answer the call
Those clouds on that sunny day
Have all blown away.

So before you pack your things and go
There's one last thing that I want you to know
That you can't find happiness
If you won't let go.

So open your eyes
You're bound to get hurt sometime.

So before you pack your things and go
There's one last thing that I want you to know
That you can't find happiness
If you won't let go.

No, you can't find happiness
If you won't let go.'

Its important, the most important thing, to be able to let go of things, to take the beauty of the time and collect it and cherish it, but to remember that things are beautiful and painful, that this life is all we have. Love comes and goes. We all strive to have the one person, that one soul to come along and to invest completely our heart and passion into. We hope to inspire a total passion from someone in us. To be able to look at someone and know that they love you with all of their heart. Its the desire of all to be loved. Who says it happens once in life? There was a quote in the season finale of Greys Anatomy last season by the Chief of Medicines niece, who knows shes going to die of ovarian cancer, the hospital put on a prom for her, since she didn't get a chance to attend her own, so all of the doctors and everyone got all snazed up and came to prom at Seattle Grace. The scene is of the niece and her boyfriend slow dancing, the Chief comes in and asks to cut in, now the boyfriend is scared of him because of some earlier back story, but the boyfriend scampers away quickly, and he begins to dance with his niece...

Chief: 'Can I cut in?'
*boyfriend walks away quickly*
Niece: 'What did you say to my boyfriend to make him that scared of you?'
Chief: 'I'm a frightening man Cammie'
Niece: 'No your not'
Chief: 'Where Brian is concerned, Yes I am'
Niece: 'Be kind to him, He loves me. I've been loved. That's something that everyone should have at least once in their life... I've been loved'

Its really sad, of course, shes so young, and shes dying, but what she says in absolutely true. Everyone should be loved at least once in their life. Why limit it to one? Doesn't love shape us? Our mothers love, our fathers love? It brought us into the world, it raised us, it shaped who we are today. Lack of love in a person shows in impossibly sad ways. No one wants to be the old spinster cat lady.

Its a risk, life is a risk, every breath you take could be your last. Your so incredibly small, a blip on the time line of history. There were millions before you, their will be millions after you. You're one of 6 billion+ people on Earth. What makes your life matter? Love. Life. Realizing that its not always about you. Sharing something so special as your heart with someone else is what makes like beautiful, and painful. Its what brings tears of happiness and tears of sadness. What is life without love? Without emotion? Why make life so cruel as to live it without great passion and great risk? Love is worth the fight. Even if in the end you lose some blood, in the end, the journey is better than the destination. With great risk, come great reward. Live life, before it passes right by, live, laugh, love. Its beautiful and its painful, but its all we've got, why not live it with great passion?

'The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.'

Alfred Lord Tennyson