The Finish Line.

'The earth is warm next to my ear
Insects noise is all that I hear
A magic trick makes the world disappear
The skies are dark, they're dark but they're clear

A distant motorcade and suddenly there's joy
The snow and tickertape blurs all my senses numb
It's like the finish line where everything just ends
The crack of radios seems close enough to touch

Cold water, cleaning my wounds
A side parade, with a single balloon
I'm done with this, I'm counting to ten
Blue as seas, running to them

I feel like I am watching everything from space
And in a minute I hear my name and I wake
I think the finish line's a good place we could start
Take a deep breath, take in all that you could want'

You know, its funny how life just slams into you sometimes. Good ways, and bad ways, always with the same effect of knocking us flat on our backs and forcing us to squeeze our eyes shut tightly and then open them again. Its that blinding first light that makes you pull up your hand to shield yourself. Its that instant that your on the ground, flat on your back, remembering what happened to get you there.

It really is funny. Its been a weird week. It started out weird and the weirdness carried on through the week, I haven't gotten enough sleep, mostly because I'm thinking to much again, reading into things better left alone, it makes it hard to be somewhere quiet. I feel like I've been stuck in a haze, like I was walking around in that weird state between sleeping and wakefulness. The weeks been a blur of class, huge amounts of work and time with many different friends who felt like it was time to rescue me from myself. I'm eternally grateful, I've been out for drinks, talked till 4am, and laid out in the autumn sun for hours, simply enjoying the sun warming my skin and the presence of my guys all around me. They kind of surrounded my chair and told me to lay back and get some rest, they were sure that if they were there around me, maybe I could sleep without a nightmare. I love them for it. It was the only real rest I've gotten so far. But that's all changed.

You know those times when you have so much to do that you don't have time to think about anything, ANYTHING else? Its been one of those weeks. Exams, papers, art projects, private design work, I'm not really sure how it all piled up, I'm usually one to get my work done quickly and efficiently, but its been a week of long days and longer nights. I didn't realize how much I had to do until I finished it all today. I gave Ed the final working .swf files for the Rebel Magazines website and finished my ad design at work today and came home and sat on my bed and realized I had done everything I needed to do, got it in on time (I thought I wouldn't, but I did) and that I could have some rest. I didn't realize how I'd forgotten everything that's happened this week. I didn't realized how exhausted I was. I didn't realize how much I was letting some things weigh on my mind until I actually had time to think about it. Its like the sky just opened up on me at 3:30pm and I couldn't do anything but sit and cry. I get that way when I'm tired. When I'm so exhausted I cant sleep, I get frustrated and cry. I hate it. But it feels so good to just get it out. I bought the new Snow Patrol album this week 'Eyes Open', everyone should go buy it, its absolutely gorgeous, truly. I've been listening to it all week, its so good, its songs are so straight to my heart. Like it was written just for me, just for my heart this week. Up and down, busy and then right at the 'Finish Line' its slows down and pulls out out of reality and sets you somewhere high above, so you can float and just take a deep breath and close your eyes and lie in peace and joy of being completely non Earthbound. It really is extraordinary.

I get upset with myself when I let myself just cry, so I strapped my iPod to my arm and slid into my shorts and tank top and just started running around the complex. I ran fast as I could, I wanted to lose myself, I counted the times my feet were pounding the pavement, I let my mind follow the terrain and listen to Snow Patrol. I didn't want to be in my head anymore, I wanted to be in my body, I concentrated on every muscle moving. Every footfall. I didn't see the curb come up. I hit the concrete on the back end of the basketball courts and fell flat on my back. Luckily there was no one out to see it. I scraped my knee up, and hit my head. I didn't get up. I squeezed my eyes shut and let what just happened process, I let the shock pass over my body, then I sat up to survey the damage. I stared at my knee, it was a little scrap, but it was bubbling up with just a tiny bit of blood. I just stared at it and started laughing. It sounds insane. I felt so embarrassed that I tripped all over myself, a zillion dumb blonde jokes ran through my head, I could hear Jeremy asking me if I walked much, I could see the 'Most likely to trip over a Nobel prize' line from the senior trip photobook award that I got. I just laughed. I closed my eyes and let the wind blow around me. I let the sun warm my skin. I looked at that little puddle of blood and saw how much I needed to see it. Its sounds weird. I felt numb all week. I had so much to do, so much to deal with that I was just kind of floating through in a numbness. I was laughing because it stung to cut my knee, I was feeling the first real thing I'd felt all week. I smiled and thought about things. I thought about how proud I was of myself for having the endurance to get everything done and in on time. I thought about how much I missed hanging out with some of my friends who have also had a week of nonstop work. I thought about how weird it was that I was in the position I was in at this point in my life. I never thought life would swing me back around to graphic design, but it has. I didn't get into photo, which introduced me to Stephanie, who was so impressed with my design work at the paper that she hired me on as one of her three graphic designers for the entire university system. I thought I'd given up graphic design sophomore year, but it seems that door has swung wide again, so I'm assembling two portfolios now, photo and graphic. I thought about how much I love my friends, how much I miss them when I cant see them. I how much it means to me when I get a message from them, even if its a simple text wishing me a good day, or a comment on my myspace wall, or facebook wall, or a message left on my aim for when I come home. I thought about how much I miss my family. I miss talking with Mommy at night while she sits with me before we both go to sleep. I miss debating Daddy over southern food on Friday afternoons. I miss the boys. I didn't know I could love two human beings so much. I didn't know I could be so proud of two gorgeous men. I didn't realize how much I would miss them when I left them. I've never been away from them for so long before until I went to college. I miss watching soccer games and embarrassing them by running up and down the field, I miss sitting in Books-a-million with them after school, reading the trashy magazines together and laughing about how we're going to be famous and never let that happen. I thought about how glad I am to be alive. How beautiful my life is. How proud I am of the things I've accomplished. Things aren't perfect. I'm still hurting from scars I sustained from different battles, but its so gorgeous. Everything. My friends. My family. School. Work. Design. Writing. Photography. Its just beautiful. I'm happy. I feel good. Life is beautiful.

I laughed at my knees, I smiled at my life. I closed my eyes and let the wind blow around me. I thanked God for everything Hes given me. The people He has placed in my path. I thanked him for the beautiful souls I have the privilege of spending time with. I thanked Him for knocking me flat. I thanked Him for forcing me to squeeze my eyes shut. I thanked Him for letting me get re centered. I thanked Him for everything illuminated.

For indeed. Everything is illuminated. Everything is beautiful. It's not a finish line. Its a new beginning.