blue like jazz - originally posted on june 12

'You put your nets out,
and still you chose to do without.
the only way to catch a butterfly,
is never waiting for the wings, and

The seasons bring change,
and as the seconds fade away.
I still don’t know why we were holding on,
But I’m still trying, to breakout.

This is the countdown; they say our time is running out.
I tried to stay above the waterline,
but never taking off the weights that,
keep us stuck here. In the comfort, and the fear.
I’ll never know what we were fight for,
but I’m still looking to breakout.

I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on'

Call it growing up, call it one last push at my rebelliousness to break free, mom will call it a miracle, I will call it Blue like Jazz.

I've been reading 'Blue Like Jazz' by Donald Miller, again, i'd read it before, a while ago, never all the way through, and never with my full attention paid to it. Its really a perfect book for teens and twenty-somethings. Its Don Miller writing on his experiences in the events of a Christian, he writes on grace, struggling with faith, evangelism and understanding that you can understand God. I recently gave a copy of the book to a friend who I thought would like it, since then I've been walking by my bookcase and looking at my copy, I picked it up the other day and have been reading. One part thats really been striking home is the part where hes been talking about being an example, how he finds it hard to share his faith with others, but is utterly enthralled when people as him about his faith. It really hit home, I love being a Christian, I love walking around with the hope of eternity and the rain of grace and mercy falling on me constantly. I'm madly in love with Christ and I love it. When it comes to bringing up my faith with others I tend to take a passenger seat position, I let them talk and get to know me until they present the question. I'm always thrilled to answer, always quick to point out scripture and to share about how Christ has changed me, but I'm a listener and I'm really in love with my position. Most non believers these days are easily turned off by people who are in your face Christians, meaning, people approaching them and trying immediately, pre-getting to know them, tell them that they are going to hell if they dont change their ways. I couldn't be that way if I tried. I'm usually non confrontational unless provoked and I'm the type of person that people like and identify with because I listen without offering my own advice first. I dont interrupt. I listen, most of the time someone just needs an attentive and caring audience to talk to, to ask questions, just to sit with. I am a creature of contact, I like resting in the comfort of anothers presence. I feel that I am at my best when in the company of others.

It has come to my attention as of late that I am an example to alot of people, I've been told several times recently that I am a role model and that I am a friend to look to for answers and example. I knew I was an example to people like my brothers, but, call my stupid and blind, I didn't really realize the impact my life and actions have on alot of people that are constantly looking to me for leadership. I find it to be an incredible honor and an incredible responsibility. I dont want to let anyone down, and I, more than anything in the world, dont want to have the blood of another on my hands- i dont want to be the reason someone turned from the Cross or didn't seek Christ because of my example. Mom has always been the first person in the world to press into me that people are watching me, that I may be the only Christ that people ever get to see, that is, I am the only piece of the glorious puzzle that is salvation. She has always pressed upon me the significance of my actions, that I'm not the only one that my decisions impact, for example, I recently turned 21. We all know what this means, and yet I find in myself no desire to drink. Its not to say I wont have a glass of wine every now and then, I dont believe that alcohol in moderation is wrong, I have wine with my meals when I feel like it,, I dont see the sin in having a drink every now and then, its when one drinks to get drunk, its when one chooses to take in more than they can hold that the wrong comes into effect. I refuse to drink to the point of drunkenness, I have no desire to allow my reactions and decisions making ability to suffer at the hands of inebriation. I had a glass of wine at dinner on my birthday and haven't had a drop of anything since. I know that my appearance, my choosing to be different and my choosing to be a Christian example to those around me is greatly impacted by what people see me doing. I understand that my getting drunk and professing my spirituality is going to be a stumbling block to someone, they are going to see me, in my drunkenness and see little difference between themselves and me, when in truth there is a difference, a difference that means the rest of eternity to them.

Its difficult. This responsibility. I've never been a leader, nor a follower, my part has always been the part of 'creative director' as in, I'm the one who comes up with the solutions and shares them with those in power and teaches those who follow. I'm kind of in-between, an Aaron to Moses, one who is an encouragement to the leader and who will hold up the leader in times of great trial and tribulation, I will take the lead when needed, I will follow and encourage my fellow travelers when need be, but I'm never fully either. I think this is a result of my personality, I'm an artist, I have faith in my ability, I have earnestness in what I create, but in my own self I have confidence, but at the same time little confidence. I trust myself, I trust my abilities, I trust my mind, but I tend to be the one who builds up others to be of greatness, and then stays behind to watch them shine on, never really reaching that greatness myself. I realize this all sounds very disconnected, but I really feel a push to put this out there. God has been really asserting his presence in my life alot as of late and is working great things in me, I feel him changing my heart, challenging my mind and spirit, I'm incredibly happy that it has come to this, there was a period of time where things looked absolutely hopeless in me and now that He is burning away all of the bad and replacing it with good, I am really loving the results.

I say this to let you all see what He is doing in my life. To show you that He is real and beautiful and good and happy and peace. He is glorious beyond all human recognition, His power, His spirit, His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness, its all such a gorgeous, life changing experience. I've had the privilege of being a Christian most of my life, I was saved at a young age, when I felt Gods call for my life I was in the stage where true understanding of the world, of life, of myself was coming into effect. He came to me as the still small voice that brought peace when the true weight of the world and my own nature fell upon me, He took my little hand and walked me through the process of building my own personality and has been absolutely intermingled into me. I glorify Christ for having been the one to be with me when all of the changes of life were coming into full bloom with me. It has not always been this way, He was still there when I turned from Him in my teenage years and tried (disastrously) to forge my own will, He was there when I fell, again, and again, and again, always there to pick me up off the ground and carry me until I was able to walk on my own again. He was there when life was so heavy that I was going to choose death by my own hand in an effort to relieve my own suffering, He stood by and took the blades out of my hands and offered me His hands and held me in His arms and let me cry until I could cry no more. He lifted me to my feet and began the process of creating what you see in my today. I'm whole and bright and happy now, by His grace, forgiveness and love alone. I couldn't have done it alone, He was always there, and He is still with me, always. Its in this that I've learned to listen to people, when I was at my furtherest from Christ there were always those willing to come into my life and tell me that what I was doing was going to get me a one way ticket to hell, but there were a blessed and select few who came and just sat with me. They are my saviors in this world and I owe them my life, they know how my i love them, and how much they will always mean to me. I came away from my trials and tribulations with a respect for the awesome power that is God and with a completely and fully saturated understanding that it was not my job to judge and turn away, the stones were not mine to cast. God has made it clear to me that my job to to help. To be the person that you call in the middle of the night because you cant sleep because something is on your mind. The person you come to when life is at its absolute worst and need someone to just sit and hold you. I'm always here to listen. Call in the middle of the night and I will ask for a minute to wake up, but I will never turn you away. I'm never to busy for anyone to come too.

As I said before, I'm not sure why this was pressed on my heart to be written, but I have a feeling that someone out thee needs to read it. To know that Christ walks with you when things are good, and carries you when things are bad. Maybe you need to know that I'm here to listen, maybe God felt that someone needed to read how I've come to Christ in a rich and real way. Maybe someone needed encouragement. I say this. With all of that is me, I know that God is real, is alive, is available and is so madly in love with us that He constantly sends us things to show He loves us. I can attest to this in recent events, in prayers, ardent and passionate, and tear filled prayers that have been answered. In the anticipation of answered prayers. Life is so beautiful for me, absolutely gorgeous. I get down sometimes, but theres always someone, some beautiful friend or Christ himself that comes to me and lifts my chin and says with the sweetest voice, 'I love you, You are not alone' I cant ever, in a million years explain the absolutely joy, the absolute peace that I am given by The Most High God. He has asked nothing of me but to believe, to lead a life that would share this love and joy is the smallest sacrifice I can make to One who sent His beloved to die for me, before I was born, before my parents were born, before He created the universe, He knew me, He loved me, He held me, It is with a plan of His design I am here. It is my joy to honor him in all I do.

It is in that that I proudly and with honor take my the responsibility and the privilege it is of being one that others look up to. I am vastly honored by those of you who have told me of your respect for me I am honored to play the part of role model, of friend. I take this responsibility and I take your love and care in my hands and swear that I will uphold the expectations that are had for me. I hope you will understand my love you all, its my joy to be your friend, your sister, your fellow Christian, your fellow human being. It is my joy to sit and listen, you need only ask. I'm never more than a phone call away, a message away, I will listen, I will love, I wont judge, I wont be angry, I wont offer advice unless it is asked of me, what I will offer, as I always do, is prayer. It is through the power of prayer that mountains can be moved, that healing can occur, that hate and pain and poverty and all of the diseases of this world can be healed of. Never underestimate the power of the goodness and power that is Our Lord.

Blessings and honor be your on this great and wondrous journey we are partaking in.

<3 always, Jamie.