This is the countdown.

'Are you getting tired?
I think we’ve gone, and lost the fire.
But I don’t wanna fight anymore,
I’ve had enough, of this town.

I can see the signs,
and I can read between the lines.
But I don’t know what we were fighting for,
I’m just trying, to breakout.

I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on

You put your nets out,
and still you chose to do without.
the only way to catch a butterfly,
is never waiting for the wings, and

The seasons bring change,
and as the seconds fade away.
I still don’t know why we were holding on,
But I’m still trying, to breakout.

I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on


Should of known better than to listen.
When the dreams, and the words started falling down.

Should of known, when I hit the ground running.

Did you think that the night would posses us,
to keep sober like the rain that’s falling down.

Did you notice when the clock stopped running.

Running…

This is the countdown; they say our time is running out.
I tried to stay above the waterline,
but never taking off the weights that,
keep us stuck here. In the comfort, and the fear.
I’ll never know what we were fight for,
but I’m still looking to breakout.

I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on'
-'This is the countdown' by Mae

I've been listening to this song alot lately. I've heard it off and on as it comes up on my itunes playlist forever, but lately its been really hitting home. Its a song about change, or the need for change. Its something thats come up all summer for me. As you've read in previous posts, this has been an extraordinary summer. Not only has God truly blessed me, but He has put the most marvelous people in my path. I'm really getting close with my fellow Twentysomethingers, I'm working with the most talented people at my job at the paper, I'm honing in my design, photography, and writing skills at the paper too. Gods really just rained the blessings down on me this summer. Its been a summer of great change for me. Last year was a very VERY difficult time period. Now that I'm in a new environment (housing, school and job wise) i've really gotten a chance to clean up some things that have really been collecting dust in my life. I feel more confident than ever now and my relationship with Christ has really grown by leaps and bounds, its been a summer of real learning for me, and I couldn't be more proud of myself for finally growing up into this new stage of my life, its been a real learning experience that I know i'll cherish forever.

Back to the song, why is it that we are so anxious for what we want all the time? This song speaks of being ready to "break out" to get the jump on what you want. I can really identify with this song because of my anxiousness and excitement to get my career going. God has made some big changes in my perspective as of late and now, more than ever, I'm really excited about the possibilities that are open to me. More and more doors are opening up here at ECU for me, from grad school to internships to studying abroad. Its been a time of great change, that brings with it great eagerness to get things rolling. This is all very well and good, but where do we draw the line? At what point to we stop living for the "here and now" and live for our future?

I've had several conversations recently that have dealt without his question. Mostly with the guys and gals from Twentysomething. Since we're all in the same stage of life we tend to think along the same lines and the same things that are on my mind with regards to the future and the "here and now" as are on their own. Things like marriage, finances, future plans, and our desire to keep our feet firmly planted in Gods will for us, all while enjoying our youth. Its a difficult prospect sometimes. I know as a woman, things like children, family and what i'll be doing in the next 10 years tend to catch hold of my mind and sometimes cause great anxiety. Looking around nowadays I'm seeing more and more women my age getting married and having children. As my lovely friend Elizabeth said in one of her blog entries on this subject, its so incredibly important to know yourself, to understand that a marriage isn't a situation that is made for one person to "complete" another, more its an arrangement to form a lifelong companionship, not a completion, but a compliment. One person to compliment another and to be a companion for life. I know that this is definitely what I want. But looking around and seeing so many mothers and wives my own age makes this difficult to process sometimes. I know that before I begin my adventures in motherhood I want to live my life, I want to travel and see the world, I want to establish myself as a firm pillar in my career field, I dont ever want to look at my past and regret that there were things that I didn't do. I dont want to look at my children and have a small part of me resent them for taking away time that I could have spent living. Rather, I want to have my family grow when I'm ready, financial, mentally, and when I'm firmly established, then I'll begin that foreray.

I often find that I take the heat in this sense, women around me often ask when I'm going to get married, when I'm going to have kids, and my response is, when God wills it. I know that when the time comes, when the man that God has reserved for me comes into my life, and when all the cards are on the table, then and only then, will I know that its time for me to consider that aspect. I was raised by a woman whose independent spirit would put the revolutionary fathers to shame. All my life my mother has told me stories of her youth, she had me when she was 28, after she had been in the Air Force for almost 10 years traveled the world and made her mark. She tells me often that she married my Dad when she knew that God had placed him in her path, and that when she had me, she was ready because she had already enjoyed the gifts that she had been blessed with. I've been deeply ingrained with that spirit, both my mother and my father (who was 38 when I was born) have made it very clear, all my life, that its my right and privilege to live my life to its fullest, they've taught me to recognize the gifts that God has given me, they've encouraged me to pursue my work in photography and archeology because they know how good I am at it, and how passionate I am about what I want to do.

I think its this way for the rest of us. I really feel that its our responsibility to live our lives before we make that big step into familyhood. I know from my conversations with others that this struggle is often on their minds, where to balance the two. How to recognize the signs, how to understand the path the God has laid out for each of us. It is difficult to think about sometimes. Then again, look at Abraham and Sarah. They had their promised child when they were both well into their elderly age, look at the life that they had, the adventures. Gods will is for us to enjoy the life that He has given us. To make each moment count. To live for Him and to live to show the world what His love brings into our lives.

" I will trust in you, always. O Ancient of Days."