silence

silence....


what is it about noise that we are so enamoured with? we had a speaker last night at 20 some who showed a nooma video on the idea, and the need for silence...

the need for a time, every day, that we need to sit in silence. to go somewhere out of the way, to cut off the noises of the world, music, tv, computers, cars, planes, everything; take it away and sit, just listening. waiting to hear Gods still small voice. he made an emphasis on the fact that everyone is always rushing around, looking for a stimulus. and hes right. we go running about like chickens with our heads cut off, working, school, activities, partys, stimulus, stimulus, stimulus!!

we never just sit. sit and wait. sometimes we need the still small voice to know that we're real. to know that the world is as it should be. sometimes out answer is silence. sometimes God wants to ask us a question. sometimes its us, that need the silence, to learn a lesson, to learn to lean on Gods infinite strength and wisdom. sometimes we just need to know that hes there. and thats all.

i'm in that state now. i'm confused and sad. i'm lost and wandering. waiting for my ship to come. i'm looking for someone to listen to me. someone to sit with me and talk with me. to share in my happiness and in my pain. i've been crying myself to sleep in my lonliness. i needed to hear what Jason had to say.

he played a song by jars of clay, one of the few i had'nt heard before, called, as you thought, 'silence' ...

Take, take till there's nothing, nothing to turn to.
Nothing when you get through.
Won't you break, scatter pieces of all I've been.
Bowing to all I've been running to.

'Where are you?
Where are you?

Did you leave me unbreakable?
Leave me frozen?
I've never felt so cold.
I thought you were silent.
And I thought you left me for the wreckage and the waste.
On an empty beach of faith.
Was it true?

Cause I, I got a question, I got a question- Where are you?

Scream, deeper I wanna scream.
I want you to hear me, I want you to find me.
Cause I, I want to believe but all I pray is wrong and all I claim is gone.

And I, I got a question, I got a question- Where are you?'



he played this and had us just sit and listen, lights low. and he had us just listen. the song, its so broken, its as if hes just absoluetly at the end of his line. he cant take anymore, hes so broken in his heart, in his soul, in his body, that hes just crying out to the Lord, he asks, over and over again 'where are you?' and as Jason said, its not that hes doubting Christs presence in his life, its that hes crying out, screaming out until hes completely drained. crying out to the Lord asking him to come and speak with him, hes so broken because he longs for the Lord to speak to him.


As I sat there last night listening, my heart just burst, everything, all that has been breaking me slowly, crushing my spirit just poured from me. i cried out there in my seat (not out loud of course) for Christ to come to me, to speak to me, to come to me, to give me direction. to come and take me out of the hole i've fallen into, this deep water that i'm just too tired to fight to stay afloat in. as i sat there, tears streaming down my face, i really stopped as Jason said, I let it all slip out, I cried it all out to Christ, I let it all drain out of me, all the sorrow all the complaints all the laments, all that pity party crap that makes me so sad, so selfish; i let it all go, cried everything out. and then, as i was drained of all of my lamentations i felt him speak in my heart, i felt him tell me to just sit, to wait, to learn patience. to stop trying to make things come to me i felt him call out to me to just sit, sit in my silent place, to come sit beside him, just hold his hand, trust him, give him all of the sorrow and the pain and the anger and confusion, and to just sit with him.

it was marvelous. to just give everything up. to sit and listen. to cry and not fear embarassment. to open my eyes and see that he was right. that things are ok. that i'm doing great. i'm still standing. i'm still working. i'm still breathing. and, by Gods grace, i'm not alone. i looked up, all red and nasty and my face looks like a punching bag, and there is katrina, next to me, and she hugs me and tells me she loves me. and tammy, who comes and just tells me hello, says things are going to be fine, to just trust Him. theres daniel, with his smile, that smile that he always has, and kind eyes, who came over and sat with me, even though i didnt say much of anything, he was concerned, and he said things would be fine as well. justin, just comes over and smiles, and i can see that he is thinking the same thing, that he got his own word from the Lord that night. that we just have to sit and be patient.

now i'm sitting in my room. just listening to jars of clay. i went to class and just put on my headphones, no music, just stuffed in my ear buds and took in the little sounds around me. the wind. the leaves of the trees with their soft edges. the my breathing, me heart. i could hear my heart. and it was beating and it was in one piece. it wasnt crushed and broken. i'm not crushed and broken. its just like justin said. things are going to be ok now. i just have to shut up and listen. really listen. its amazing. that this far in the game. when i'm absoluely broken by confusion and the fact that i have no one to turn to, that Christ sends Jason, and just speaks straight to my heart.

and all i've got to do is be silent.