Waking Up
So I get in really early this morning after a GORGEOUS evening. Concert, then friends, a really phenomenal conversation with someone i respect ever more now; and i find it difficult to sleep, being that there's a huge party going on downstairs. so i went out for a run. good solid run down charles and through tara on my usual route. made sure the ipod was in so i can pace myself correctly and everything. lots of time to unpack my conversation and the concert and everything. it was lovely, and fast, i ran in unusually fast time. aces.
i get back to the apartment and take a shower, well in coming out i had been watching rome on hbo earlier in the day and as i was getting ready to lay down they had a segment for music videos, and what do i see? one of my favorites sanctus real...
now read the lyrics...
If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess
I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Honestly, I’m not that strong
And I move closer to you
I’m not all right…that’s why I need you
how true is that? i remember the first time i heard this song. i was in the middle of everything going wrong. a really difficult period of transition. a period of growing. i remember what it felt like to be able to say those words and understand them fully, 'I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside, all i go through leads me to
we had a visiting speaker last week at saturday night worship who spoke on the passage in matthew 21 about how Jesus cursed the fig tree for not bearing fruit. he explained that Jesus cursed the tree not because it wasn't in bloom, but because the early blooming of leaves concealed that there was not yet any fruit growing, and He being hungry was fooled by the fact that there was no fruit growing. he spoke about being real, how through brokeness we grow, how it was so important to wither our own fig leaves, wither away all thats concealing us, all thats fooling others, how important it is to be real, to be completely authentic. in that painful process of withering my own fig leaves, because i want to be completely real, with God and with everyone around me; in that pain and brokeness that comes with it, i see myself growing by leaps and bounds. i love looking in the mirror and knowing, completely understanding that I'm not the same girl that was looking in the mirror ten seconds ago. I'm always growing, always taking in, always renewing. it's being revealed to me even more clearly that every moment is beautiful, every second is a new chance, a new choice, a new, completely original moment of life, and i can choose to be sad and let my life and the world fall down on me, or i can choose to make it my own, make it beautiful, make it special and meaningful. something completely new, filled with potential and love, potential to effect change in myself and in others, potential to learn, potential to grow. new.
its taken alot for me to get to this point. I'm one to expect things. to see the good in everyone and expect that they live up to their potential, live into the goodness i see in them, and then i get burned with they are human and fail me. i feel let down, not in a significant way, but in an idealistic way. i see such beauty in people, its my gift, both as an artist and a healer, i always have, so i want to see them live out what i see, when they don't its like something in me wishes they could be as beautiful as i see them to be. its alot to place on someone, to expect this goodness and beauty all the time. I'm not perfect always, i cry and get frustrated and have sad days. i get discouraged and upset, i have trouble forgiving. I'm human. i see myself as this thing thats constantly in struggle, but i never stop to realize that so is everyone else. I'm not the only one fighting to breathe and smile. its our condition. its our humanity. I'm seeing, thankfully, more and more beauty in that. I'm understanding what it means to truly sing those words 'I'm not alright, broken inside, and all i go through, it leads me to You. its a beautiful thing, to see someone grow. as one whose gift is listening and healing, i see it everyday, its me that people turn to when things go nuts and life breaks, i sit with them, i listen to them, i cry with them, and most importantly, i pray with them. i can lift them up to Gods hands and help them lift their burdens to Him. how did i miss it? i get discouraged, i encourage so much that i don't get to have someone constantly lifting me up, so i let things get to me, and i see the brokeness and its easy to let sadness and anger at this life take over, but I'm realizing more and more that its not about me in that sense. I'm realizing that through pain comes learning, through learning comes understanding, through understanding comes healing, through healing comes growth. a process that beautiful and filled with light.
its hard, this life. its ugly and painful and broken and sad. everything around us screams death and destruction and emptiness. yet we can do just as the guys do in sanctus real, we can stand and scream at the top of our longs, 'I'm not alright, I'm broken inside' and then we can fully understand the last part of that, 'and all i go through, brings me closer to You'. take hold of life. i beg of you. i see beauty all around me. i see something glorious in each new second that I'm given. i know God has the ability to snatch my life from me in an instant, but i know now, and I'm understanding more clearly everyday, that each moment, each second you get, each new moment is His gift to you. a gift i beg you not to squander. look around you. look at the empty things that line your path in life, little meanders that you could choose that lead to pain and sadness and emptiness, those things seem so big, they look pretty at first and then you're in the trap. i beg you. look at the path, set your eyes ahead and above. recognize that you're never alone in your struggles, as mae so eloquently put it in 'tisbury lane',
'please don't give up when its easy,
dont you know that me and jesus will be here to cheer you on,
Hes the only one that will be constantly
everything you need.'
understand that theres always someone waiting to help. Christ is always there to carry you, and in this life there are good people, real people, sad broken and human, just like yourself, that have come through in spades and are ready, and willing to help you, all you need do is ask. i beg you, call me, come see me, find me, search me out, I'm here, here to listen, here to pray and here to just sit with you, just so you know that someone's there, right there and real and tangible. I'm not scared to help. i welcome it. i welcome being able to pick you up and get you back on your own path, its what i was built for. its the gift God has given me. I'm not perfect, i ache and bleed and cry too, but look, see this moment as a moment you can choose to say, its going to be ok, its beautiful. its such and awesome feeling. i beg you, look at the gift of this moment and the next and the next, look at it and seize it. carpe diem. seize the day. its real. seize that moment and make it real, make it meaningful, make it beautiful. learn, grow, and understand, you're not guaranteed one second beyond now, you're gifted each second beyond this. God has a plan for you, seek it, make it real. trust it. believe me. its taken alot for me to say, ok, i surrender, you take the wheel, i cant do it anymore, i wont live through another disappointment. you know what? that feeling? that surrender...
its a beautiful thing.
carpe diem my beautiful ones.
i get back to the apartment and take a shower, well in coming out i had been watching rome on hbo earlier in the day and as i was getting ready to lay down they had a segment for music videos, and what do i see? one of my favorites sanctus real...
now read the lyrics...
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess
I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Honestly, I’m not that strong
And I move closer to you
I’m not all right…that’s why I need you
how true is that? i remember the first time i heard this song. i was in the middle of everything going wrong. a really difficult period of transition. a period of growing. i remember what it felt like to be able to say those words and understand them fully, 'I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside, all i go through leads me to
we had a visiting speaker last week at saturday night worship who spoke on the passage in matthew 21 about how Jesus cursed the fig tree for not bearing fruit. he explained that Jesus cursed the tree not because it wasn't in bloom, but because the early blooming of leaves concealed that there was not yet any fruit growing, and He being hungry was fooled by the fact that there was no fruit growing. he spoke about being real, how through brokeness we grow, how it was so important to wither our own fig leaves, wither away all thats concealing us, all thats fooling others, how important it is to be real, to be completely authentic. in that painful process of withering my own fig leaves, because i want to be completely real, with God and with everyone around me; in that pain and brokeness that comes with it, i see myself growing by leaps and bounds. i love looking in the mirror and knowing, completely understanding that I'm not the same girl that was looking in the mirror ten seconds ago. I'm always growing, always taking in, always renewing. it's being revealed to me even more clearly that every moment is beautiful, every second is a new chance, a new choice, a new, completely original moment of life, and i can choose to be sad and let my life and the world fall down on me, or i can choose to make it my own, make it beautiful, make it special and meaningful. something completely new, filled with potential and love, potential to effect change in myself and in others, potential to learn, potential to grow. new.
its taken alot for me to get to this point. I'm one to expect things. to see the good in everyone and expect that they live up to their potential, live into the goodness i see in them, and then i get burned with they are human and fail me. i feel let down, not in a significant way, but in an idealistic way. i see such beauty in people, its my gift, both as an artist and a healer, i always have, so i want to see them live out what i see, when they don't its like something in me wishes they could be as beautiful as i see them to be. its alot to place on someone, to expect this goodness and beauty all the time. I'm not perfect always, i cry and get frustrated and have sad days. i get discouraged and upset, i have trouble forgiving. I'm human. i see myself as this thing thats constantly in struggle, but i never stop to realize that so is everyone else. I'm not the only one fighting to breathe and smile. its our condition. its our humanity. I'm seeing, thankfully, more and more beauty in that. I'm understanding what it means to truly sing those words 'I'm not alright, broken inside, and all i go through, it leads me to You. its a beautiful thing, to see someone grow. as one whose gift is listening and healing, i see it everyday, its me that people turn to when things go nuts and life breaks, i sit with them, i listen to them, i cry with them, and most importantly, i pray with them. i can lift them up to Gods hands and help them lift their burdens to Him. how did i miss it? i get discouraged, i encourage so much that i don't get to have someone constantly lifting me up, so i let things get to me, and i see the brokeness and its easy to let sadness and anger at this life take over, but I'm realizing more and more that its not about me in that sense. I'm realizing that through pain comes learning, through learning comes understanding, through understanding comes healing, through healing comes growth. a process that beautiful and filled with light.
its hard, this life. its ugly and painful and broken and sad. everything around us screams death and destruction and emptiness. yet we can do just as the guys do in sanctus real, we can stand and scream at the top of our longs, 'I'm not alright, I'm broken inside' and then we can fully understand the last part of that, 'and all i go through, brings me closer to You'. take hold of life. i beg of you. i see beauty all around me. i see something glorious in each new second that I'm given. i know God has the ability to snatch my life from me in an instant, but i know now, and I'm understanding more clearly everyday, that each moment, each second you get, each new moment is His gift to you. a gift i beg you not to squander. look around you. look at the empty things that line your path in life, little meanders that you could choose that lead to pain and sadness and emptiness, those things seem so big, they look pretty at first and then you're in the trap. i beg you. look at the path, set your eyes ahead and above. recognize that you're never alone in your struggles, as mae so eloquently put it in 'tisbury lane',
dont you know that me and jesus will be here to cheer you on,
Hes the only one that will be constantly
everything you need.'
understand that theres always someone waiting to help. Christ is always there to carry you, and in this life there are good people, real people, sad broken and human, just like yourself, that have come through in spades and are ready, and willing to help you, all you need do is ask. i beg you, call me, come see me, find me, search me out, I'm here, here to listen, here to pray and here to just sit with you, just so you know that someone's there, right there and real and tangible. I'm not scared to help. i welcome it. i welcome being able to pick you up and get you back on your own path, its what i was built for. its the gift God has given me. I'm not perfect, i ache and bleed and cry too, but look, see this moment as a moment you can choose to say, its going to be ok, its beautiful. its such and awesome feeling. i beg you, look at the gift of this moment and the next and the next, look at it and seize it. carpe diem. seize the day. its real. seize that moment and make it real, make it meaningful, make it beautiful. learn, grow, and understand, you're not guaranteed one second beyond now, you're gifted each second beyond this. God has a plan for you, seek it, make it real. trust it. believe me. its taken alot for me to say, ok, i surrender, you take the wheel, i cant do it anymore, i wont live through another disappointment. you know what? that feeling? that surrender...
its a beautiful thing.
posted by Jamie | 4:46 AM
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