The Finish Line.

'The earth is warm next to my ear
Insects noise is all that I hear
A magic trick makes the world disappear
The skies are dark, they're dark but they're clear

A distant motorcade and suddenly there's joy
The snow and tickertape blurs all my senses numb
It's like the finish line where everything just ends
The crack of radios seems close enough to touch

Cold water, cleaning my wounds
A side parade, with a single balloon
I'm done with this, I'm counting to ten
Blue as seas, running to them

I feel like I am watching everything from space
And in a minute I hear my name and I wake
I think the finish line's a good place we could start
Take a deep breath, take in all that you could want'

You know, its funny how life just slams into you sometimes. Good ways, and bad ways, always with the same effect of knocking us flat on our backs and forcing us to squeeze our eyes shut tightly and then open them again. Its that blinding first light that makes you pull up your hand to shield yourself. Its that instant that your on the ground, flat on your back, remembering what happened to get you there.

It really is funny. Its been a weird week. It started out weird and the weirdness carried on through the week, I haven't gotten enough sleep, mostly because I'm thinking to much again, reading into things better left alone, it makes it hard to be somewhere quiet. I feel like I've been stuck in a haze, like I was walking around in that weird state between sleeping and wakefulness. The weeks been a blur of class, huge amounts of work and time with many different friends who felt like it was time to rescue me from myself. I'm eternally grateful, I've been out for drinks, talked till 4am, and laid out in the autumn sun for hours, simply enjoying the sun warming my skin and the presence of my guys all around me. They kind of surrounded my chair and told me to lay back and get some rest, they were sure that if they were there around me, maybe I could sleep without a nightmare. I love them for it. It was the only real rest I've gotten so far. But that's all changed.

You know those times when you have so much to do that you don't have time to think about anything, ANYTHING else? Its been one of those weeks. Exams, papers, art projects, private design work, I'm not really sure how it all piled up, I'm usually one to get my work done quickly and efficiently, but its been a week of long days and longer nights. I didn't realize how much I had to do until I finished it all today. I gave Ed the final working .swf files for the Rebel Magazines website and finished my ad design at work today and came home and sat on my bed and realized I had done everything I needed to do, got it in on time (I thought I wouldn't, but I did) and that I could have some rest. I didn't realize how I'd forgotten everything that's happened this week. I didn't realized how exhausted I was. I didn't realize how much I was letting some things weigh on my mind until I actually had time to think about it. Its like the sky just opened up on me at 3:30pm and I couldn't do anything but sit and cry. I get that way when I'm tired. When I'm so exhausted I cant sleep, I get frustrated and cry. I hate it. But it feels so good to just get it out. I bought the new Snow Patrol album this week 'Eyes Open', everyone should go buy it, its absolutely gorgeous, truly. I've been listening to it all week, its so good, its songs are so straight to my heart. Like it was written just for me, just for my heart this week. Up and down, busy and then right at the 'Finish Line' its slows down and pulls out out of reality and sets you somewhere high above, so you can float and just take a deep breath and close your eyes and lie in peace and joy of being completely non Earthbound. It really is extraordinary.

I get upset with myself when I let myself just cry, so I strapped my iPod to my arm and slid into my shorts and tank top and just started running around the complex. I ran fast as I could, I wanted to lose myself, I counted the times my feet were pounding the pavement, I let my mind follow the terrain and listen to Snow Patrol. I didn't want to be in my head anymore, I wanted to be in my body, I concentrated on every muscle moving. Every footfall. I didn't see the curb come up. I hit the concrete on the back end of the basketball courts and fell flat on my back. Luckily there was no one out to see it. I scraped my knee up, and hit my head. I didn't get up. I squeezed my eyes shut and let what just happened process, I let the shock pass over my body, then I sat up to survey the damage. I stared at my knee, it was a little scrap, but it was bubbling up with just a tiny bit of blood. I just stared at it and started laughing. It sounds insane. I felt so embarrassed that I tripped all over myself, a zillion dumb blonde jokes ran through my head, I could hear Jeremy asking me if I walked much, I could see the 'Most likely to trip over a Nobel prize' line from the senior trip photobook award that I got. I just laughed. I closed my eyes and let the wind blow around me. I let the sun warm my skin. I looked at that little puddle of blood and saw how much I needed to see it. Its sounds weird. I felt numb all week. I had so much to do, so much to deal with that I was just kind of floating through in a numbness. I was laughing because it stung to cut my knee, I was feeling the first real thing I'd felt all week. I smiled and thought about things. I thought about how proud I was of myself for having the endurance to get everything done and in on time. I thought about how much I missed hanging out with some of my friends who have also had a week of nonstop work. I thought about how weird it was that I was in the position I was in at this point in my life. I never thought life would swing me back around to graphic design, but it has. I didn't get into photo, which introduced me to Stephanie, who was so impressed with my design work at the paper that she hired me on as one of her three graphic designers for the entire university system. I thought I'd given up graphic design sophomore year, but it seems that door has swung wide again, so I'm assembling two portfolios now, photo and graphic. I thought about how much I love my friends, how much I miss them when I cant see them. I how much it means to me when I get a message from them, even if its a simple text wishing me a good day, or a comment on my myspace wall, or facebook wall, or a message left on my aim for when I come home. I thought about how much I miss my family. I miss talking with Mommy at night while she sits with me before we both go to sleep. I miss debating Daddy over southern food on Friday afternoons. I miss the boys. I didn't know I could love two human beings so much. I didn't know I could be so proud of two gorgeous men. I didn't realize how much I would miss them when I left them. I've never been away from them for so long before until I went to college. I miss watching soccer games and embarrassing them by running up and down the field, I miss sitting in Books-a-million with them after school, reading the trashy magazines together and laughing about how we're going to be famous and never let that happen. I thought about how glad I am to be alive. How beautiful my life is. How proud I am of the things I've accomplished. Things aren't perfect. I'm still hurting from scars I sustained from different battles, but its so gorgeous. Everything. My friends. My family. School. Work. Design. Writing. Photography. Its just beautiful. I'm happy. I feel good. Life is beautiful.

I laughed at my knees, I smiled at my life. I closed my eyes and let the wind blow around me. I thanked God for everything Hes given me. The people He has placed in my path. I thanked him for the beautiful souls I have the privilege of spending time with. I thanked Him for knocking me flat. I thanked Him for forcing me to squeeze my eyes shut. I thanked Him for letting me get re centered. I thanked Him for everything illuminated.

For indeed. Everything is illuminated. Everything is beautiful. It's not a finish line. Its a new beginning.

Captivating.

Captivating love. Its a subject I've wanted to write about for awhile, and it came up alot this weekend, so I thought it would be appropriate to take a stab at it here. Mom also bought me a book for my quiet time called 'Captivating' by John and Stasi Eldredge, the same couple that wrote 'Wild at Heart' for men. Its a fun read. I'm trying not to read the whole thing a once because its a pretty deep text. I want time to be able to read and think on whats being said. The basic gist of the book is kind of an instruction manual on how a woman can keep her Feminine heart. Be vulnerable but not walked over, keep her dreams of white horses and knights and not allow the heartbreaks of yesterday crush her spirit. Its exciting . We all know women are more complicated then men, if for no other reason than we tend to decide with our heart and not our head. We allow our emotions to have a larger hold on us in general. Its not a bad thing. I love it. I love knowing that every decision that I make is made with my heart. Some things are reserved to be made rationally, but my heart reigns, I know that any decision I make with it, whether to pain or happiness is completely my own because I sought it out with my heart.

It came up this weekend, this subject of love. With some of my guy friends and many of my girlfriends. One theme that was brought up repeatedly was the subject of whether or not it is worth the risk. Whether or not one should invest ones heart in another, because it may at some point end in heartache. I had interesting arguments on both sides but I really wanted to get my view across as well.

Love can hurt. We all know that. Its as beautiful as it is ugly and its happy and painful, just like life. Things don't always go the way we want them too, but in the end, you learn something. Just as its supposed to be. I've had some extraordinary love affairs in my life. I'm one to have serious relationships, of course I've dated, more people then I can remember, but relationship, boyfriend wise, I've had some really great loves. I feel privileged. I was the keeper of someones heart, the subject of someones love. Though those loves ended, heartbreak and pain, it was beautiful as well. I'm not the same person I was when I was 16. I'm not the same person I was when I began each of these relationships. I've changed, for the better. I've learned great lessons that I'll treasure forever. I've walked hand in hand with some extraordinary people, and each one of them shone a light into a part of me I hadn't seen before, each brought to the surface some hidden part of me that makes me the woman I am now. I am eternally grateful to each of them for contributing to my overall person now. Does that mean it was always roses and starlit picnics? Not at all. Hurt, pain, those things were there too. Every relationship, and I can say this with great authority has its ups and downs, things go perfect and then wither away as quickly as the wind, but its the moments in between, the memories that make them worth it. If one could crawl into my head and see my memories it would be like a photo book. I'm a photographer, my memories are snapshots. You would see the smiles and flowers at school. The special birthday dinners, the laying under the stars talking face to face. Each moment of my life is precious to me. I'm not naive enough to say that I want to forget everything that happened when I was with so and so because it ended and I was heartbroken. These snapshots, these words, these memories, they're my most precious possession. Sure, at the time of breakups it was time to lock those things way to prevent torment and further crushing of a broken heart. But, as with a death, in time, the heart heals, the scars fade and the time to take out that old dusty box of memories is ok. I made it a point to avoid thinking about it during my healing process, but when the time came where I knew I could look objectively at the time then I began to allow myself to see things that happen. I still smile at the times I've had with my loves. They were great highlights in my life, great men who helped shape me. Their hearts were precious to me, as their memories are to me now.

Thinking about it, I know how someone can look at the whole process, the infatuation at the beginning, the happiness and peace that settles with time and then the fallout of heartbreak and say, no, its not worth taking someone who I'm not sure it could come to marriage with. I can see how some may see that as a plausible reason to skip the whole serious dating thing. I just know how I feel, that love is love. Its beautiful to me. I love meeting someone new and spending time with them, enjoying their presence, learning about them. I understand that when I begin to invest care and feelings into someone that things could go rotten at any moment, but isn't that what life is about? Taking risks, getting thrashed? Corey Crowder is a really extraordinary guy, he recently was one of our headliners for Waking Hour. I got to sit and talk with him after we did sound check and we were all hanging out waiting for showtime. He and his beautiful wife were asking about me and I mentioned and that my favorite of Corey's songs was 'Learning to let go'. They asked why and I told them about how the song reminds me that life is beautiful, that great love comes and goes, that in the end, when that great loves time comes to a close its important to be able to look back and say that things are going to be ok. That as the song says, you have to remember to live your life, and most importantly, that you have to let go of the past. The song goes like this...

'Am I wasting my breath?
Cause it's still in my mind
That its always the wrong place
At the wrong time
So lets face the facts
We all make mistakes
We've got to live life
Before it passes right by.

So before you pack your things and go
There's one last thing that I want you to know
That you can't find happiness
If you won't let go

Can't agree on one thing
You can't fight fate with fate
We had a good love
But it's seen it's last days
When opportunity knocked
You had to answer the call
Those clouds on that sunny day
Have all blown away.

So before you pack your things and go
There's one last thing that I want you to know
That you can't find happiness
If you won't let go.

So open your eyes
You're bound to get hurt sometime.

So before you pack your things and go
There's one last thing that I want you to know
That you can't find happiness
If you won't let go.

No, you can't find happiness
If you won't let go.'

Its important, the most important thing, to be able to let go of things, to take the beauty of the time and collect it and cherish it, but to remember that things are beautiful and painful, that this life is all we have. Love comes and goes. We all strive to have the one person, that one soul to come along and to invest completely our heart and passion into. We hope to inspire a total passion from someone in us. To be able to look at someone and know that they love you with all of their heart. Its the desire of all to be loved. Who says it happens once in life? There was a quote in the season finale of Greys Anatomy last season by the Chief of Medicines niece, who knows shes going to die of ovarian cancer, the hospital put on a prom for her, since she didn't get a chance to attend her own, so all of the doctors and everyone got all snazed up and came to prom at Seattle Grace. The scene is of the niece and her boyfriend slow dancing, the Chief comes in and asks to cut in, now the boyfriend is scared of him because of some earlier back story, but the boyfriend scampers away quickly, and he begins to dance with his niece...

Chief: 'Can I cut in?'
*boyfriend walks away quickly*
Niece: 'What did you say to my boyfriend to make him that scared of you?'
Chief: 'I'm a frightening man Cammie'
Niece: 'No your not'
Chief: 'Where Brian is concerned, Yes I am'
Niece: 'Be kind to him, He loves me. I've been loved. That's something that everyone should have at least once in their life... I've been loved'

Its really sad, of course, shes so young, and shes dying, but what she says in absolutely true. Everyone should be loved at least once in their life. Why limit it to one? Doesn't love shape us? Our mothers love, our fathers love? It brought us into the world, it raised us, it shaped who we are today. Lack of love in a person shows in impossibly sad ways. No one wants to be the old spinster cat lady.

Its a risk, life is a risk, every breath you take could be your last. Your so incredibly small, a blip on the time line of history. There were millions before you, their will be millions after you. You're one of 6 billion+ people on Earth. What makes your life matter? Love. Life. Realizing that its not always about you. Sharing something so special as your heart with someone else is what makes like beautiful, and painful. Its what brings tears of happiness and tears of sadness. What is life without love? Without emotion? Why make life so cruel as to live it without great passion and great risk? Love is worth the fight. Even if in the end you lose some blood, in the end, the journey is better than the destination. With great risk, come great reward. Live life, before it passes right by, live, laugh, love. Its beautiful and its painful, but its all we've got, why not live it with great passion?

'The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.'

Alfred Lord Tennyson

A sense of touch.

Its been a weekend of touch. A weekend of touching. Touching lives. Touching hearts.

Touching hearts, touching lives. Did I go to church this weekend? No. Unfortunately I've been completely swamped with work this weekend. My days have been spent pouring over my books and writing, and getting some long promised design work done. And my nights have been spent, this weekend specifically, helping my dearest friends.

Touch. We so take it for granted. The feel of another. Not necessarily in a sexual manner, just as one human touching another human, its like a confirmation of presence. Why do we fear ghosts? What makes a "ghost" a ghost? One big factor is the lack of presence, of physical presence. When I lean over and touch someone, when I give someone a hug, what am I doing? Well, besides comfort or greeting, I'm acknowledging my presence. I'm essentially saying, here I am, I'm real and tangible. Something else touch confirms. Realness, humanness. Tangibility, touch also confirms life. Whats normally a factor in touch? Temperature. Warmth. Laying next to someone, you feel heat, warmth. Warmth is comforting. Someone who is dead, is cold, lifeless, they lack heat. When I hug you I'm also confirming my humanness. Touch, warmth, this implies physicality. It acknowledges that I'm physical, and everything that is physical can be destroyed. My warmth can turn to cold at any moment. When I touch someone its showing them that I'm there, and that I'm real, and that I'm physical.

I say this because as I've said, this weekend has been a weekend where I've been called on to be present. My presence was important this weekend to several of my friends who have experienced some real hell recently. I grieve for them. I've been called at 3am this weekend to talk, to sleep on the phone with someone who has been hurt beyond measure. I've been called to be present with someone whose loneliness is slowly eating away at their very soul. I've been called to be present to sit and listen. Its a gift. Everyone who meets me seems to love the fact that I listen. That I don't proffer advice right off the bat. And that I'm not one to say, oh, well, that's life. I sympathize, I feel hurt when others are hurting. I recognize that sometimes someone needs to hear very specific things, not something sugarcoated or a white lie. No. Sometimes someone needs to hear that I care. That their situation pains me, that I'm sorry this happened, but that things are going to get better. Listening is great, it solves problems, most of the time, I find myself simply being a wall someone else can bounce something off of, to put into words a problem and to hear it and see the solution for themselves. I was meerly there because they weren't comfortable talking to the mirror. Which, by the way, helps sometimes. Listening has its benefits. But this weekend, this weekend was about touch. About presence.

I'm definitely a physical person. Talking, listening, these things are things I'm best at. But to truly make a mark, to truly bring an impression, touch matters to me. My friends know I love hugs. I'm really shy, so giving is usually not my deal, but when I get a hug, its great. With my friends usually its a matter of going outside and laying in the grass of the backyard at 12am and looking at the stars and talking. Its that presence that isn't there on the phone. It seems crazy. Most of you who know me know I'm a night owl. My best work, my best self seems to emerge at night. I'm one to stay up until the wee hours of the morning talking something through because it seems to be clearer then. Its important to me, physical presence. My friends joke that I'm a seeker. I'm one to call them when they're having a crappy day and just want to stay in bed, I'm the girl that sends them 6 text messages to tell them that if they don't answer, I'm showing up weather they're in boxers or not. Its my personality. I enjoy the presence of others. My best work is done alone, when I have time spent creating and producing on my own. But my best self, the best times in my life have been when I'm in the presence of my friends. Of people I love and care about. So don't freak out when I send you text messages all day. Its me letting you know that someone was thinking about you and that your important to me. Its not me being stalker girl, its, oh, Jamies retarded, she sent me something funny while I was in class. Its something to get you through tough days or happy days. I love making people smile. I don't expect anything in return. I just like people to know that they're important.

It brings me to a message I heard from Louie Giglio tonight during my quiet time. It was on the subject of being touched by heaven. Showing the world that we are love. Showing people that we care, that we are touched by something so much greater than ourselves. Isn't that what life is about? Turning the life you've been given, which you got for free by the way, and for a purpose, and turning it into something greater? Its classic economics. Something gotten for free, with investment, will turn over a profit later. Taking your life, investing something in it, and making it better is something that makes sense. What makes even more sense? What shows even more greatness? Taking something you've been given, and touching someone Else's life with it. Showing that you care by touching someone else. The people that mean the world to me know how much I love them, how much I care because they know that I desire to be in their presence. I call to hang out because I desire to spend my time with those that I care about, I choose to invest my time, my sense of touch, of presence with those who mean a great deal to me. Its something that means the world to me.

Touch, touching lives. Its something that we should all take part in. It should shatter our hearts to see some of the things in the world. Alot of the things in the world actually. One person Louie brought up was Bono, who, as most of my friends know, its crush number 1. He talked about how Bono went down to Africa and was just broken by the poverty he saw there. Think though, he didn't sit idly by, no he started One Campaign, as most of you know I'm very active in this as well. Its our job, Christian and human alike to care for our fellow humans. What is life if its not given in service to another? Self service is short lived and never satisfying, but service to another. The thanks alone is worth the endeavor.

All this is to say, I guess, let your heart be shattered for someone else. Reach out. Its completely healthy to disconnect for awhile, to get back to your true center, but beyond that. Let your heart be broken for someone. Let tears fall for the beautiful, and for the painful. Because, in the end, this life is all we have, to use it to better the world is something that brings light to a dark place. Be a light.

Where do I begin?

Lying in bed.
Fan spinning above,
Stirring the air.
Close my eyes,
Windows down
Warmth on my face
Wind through my hair
Scenes fly by.
Hand out the window
Time runs through my fingers.

Where do I start?
Where do I begin?
Lying in this bed
memories wash over me
smiling at nothing at the thought.
Time breaks over me
as I lie here in perfect peace.
Where do I start?
Where do I begin?

Kind of crazy how things come to you. Just waking up as the sun rises through my open window. Life felt gorgeous again. I felt myself finally wake up. Like I've been asleep for too long. A hangover from time that I've broken from. It really is extraordinary. A perfect peace. A smile I carry with me where before there was a frown.

I'm not really sure how it came to me. Just kind of drifted in through a dream. Or maybe Its been slowly building and it just flooded in this morning. Whatever, wherever it came from. Its gorgeous and I'm not going to let it go. I just woke up this morning and watched the sun rise. Felt that first warm light that kind of breaks through the chill of the night. It was like I was rejuvenated. Like a really deep breath of fresh cool air after a sweltering heatwave. My spirit just calmed. I'm not really sure what it is. There was nothing different from any other morning, nothing explosive has happened in my life, it was just this perfect peace. Like someone came and gave me a big warm hug and washed away all of the brokenness that kind of dominated this summer. A really great calm after a very long storm.

I'm not sure what it is. I've been trying to figure it out all day. I went out for a drive earlier and just headed out to Little Washington to see the water. The sea, or any part of it calms me. The air was warm and had that gorgeous smell of sweet water. It was really perfect. I loved the drive and everyone who knows me knows how the sea makes me happy. I just stood on the boardwalk and thought. It hasn't been me getting better sleep. I sleep and have weird dreams as always, or night terrors, as always. I'm used to it by now, so I usually just get up and go outside and read until I feel tired again. I've been hanging out with James and Kitch more lately. Which is lovely, as always. They're truly great guys. Neither one realizes their spirit. Its funny to watch them get so passionate about games and football or whatever else we happen to be doing. James and I have been talking alot as well, which is gorgeous and weird. Hes very like me, oddly like me, refreshing to have meet someone who gets it. He has a very gorgeous inner light, I wish he could see it, sometimes it peaks through when we talk and it makes his face light up. One day I suppose.

Life is great as always. Gorgeous friends, extraordinary family. I miss Jeremy and Jordan. I cant wait until Thanksgiving Break when we get to go up to New Jersey again. It'll be nice to be able to spend some really quality time with them. They're growing up so fast. Its so weird, and so gorgeous. Jordan and I usually hang out on Wednesdays since I go home for church and family dinner. We went to eat with mom and then the three of us went to Target and just walked around. It was gorgeous to just see him. I don't think he realizes how proud of him I am. Hes really a killer young man. Great personality, a gorgeous spirit. The most beautiful inner light, just like Jeremy. I miss them both so much when they're gone. We had another woman who knew us when we were little, she was our attending when all three of us were born on base, she always remembers us as the three babies who came out with a full head of white curly hair. She just went nuts. I know shes seen us grow up, we go to the pediatric ward every time we're in the base hospital for checkups and whatnot. (She was the one who helped me when I collapsed and had my 105 temperature when I got the really bad kidney infection, she got me the fluids and the ice bath, so shes seen us at our best AND worst). She kept looking at Jordan and I and saying out striking we looked. She said we looked gorgeous in that very ancient kind of way. Shes Irish blood like us and commented on how we reminded her of our Irish brethren. It was nice to hear. Image is a problem I struggle with, and I'm normally one to smile and say thank you and then turn and think 'She was just being nice', but she had the look, her eyes were so sincere. I knew she meant it. It really touched me. I know that was a factor in this peace. We got my loan crap worked out, ECU was being stupid for so long I just kept worrying. Now everything is taken care of and I can follow through and not worry about all that stuff. Work is great, I start fully laying out my sections tomorrow. News and Sports. Fridays are ads as usual. Its going to be a great year. Ed has me working on the site for the Rebel, so that's exciting as well, now if he could only send me those typefaces...hahaha. I'm working with 20some and their design crew, which is killer, I get to work on something close to my heart that I really have a passion for. I'm revamping my entire personal site as well. Really taking it to a new level. My design has vastly improved so I want to utilize those skills so my clients can see what I can really do. Writings going well. I'm blocked up on my book, which is annoying. But I gave myself this semester to work it out. So I'm OK so far. I'm working on my poetry and short stories. We'll see where those go from here. Maybe a small book with a small company. I'll keep everyone posted on it. Schools gorgeous as well. I love my classes, I love our discussions and I love having a break from my artwork. I'm producing better photographs and designs now that I've had a break, so that's gorgeous. I'll be posting more soon. I'm getting in closer with the archaeologists here at university, which is lovely. I love talking to them about their own experiences and having them analyze me to see where I stand. I miss my art classes, but next semester will be full of them, so I suppose I'll be ok till then. Concentrate on Graphics and Photography submissions and things will go gorgeously.

I went to see 'The Covenant' this afternoon with James and Kitch. It was absolutely stunning. I love supernatural themed movies, the music was bangin as well. Soundtracks are my life. Speaking of which, I've posted on my myspace a soundtrack of my life where I went through my playlist and kept hitting shuffle to see which songs belonged where. It was fun. The results were pretty stellar, it got me thinking. So I'm doing a Nick Hornby '31 Songs' esqe piece soon to be published here or on my site. A full two disk set soundtrack to my life, complete with music and the essays about how they related and whatnot. Sound intriguing? I'm having great fun writing it. Its mostly being composed on my lunch breaks in wright plaza, so if you ever get bored and want to come have a tea with me, call and we'll do it. Maybe you'll be lucky and get a glimpse of the Songs Project, pre release. Or a free copy of the soundtrack. Haha. Thanks Joe for the cds, now you know what they're used for.

As for this feeling. I love it. I'm not going to let it go. Things are stellar right now and I absolutely love it. I don't feel uptight about time like before. Where I used to have to plan meticulously, I'm just letting things wash over me now. Cest la vie. Its gorgeous. Mom loves the new attitude change and is remarking that its making me glow. So that's lovely as well. Its funny, this week was full of disappointments, it should have been one of those things where it was like little pieces of glass cutting me all over. Making things hard to do without thinking about the pain. It has, thankfully, not been so. Hanging out with gorgeous people and basking in this kind of peace is really gorgeous Its not any one thing, just the sum of all the things in my life that are really just going stellar, so to all of you who made this possible, Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Death in the Afternoon

I'm upset. I cant help it and I know I'm going to hear about it in the morning. Yes my bebae's look at the facebook profile, it says moderate up there. Call it growing up. Call it a day spent on my porch reading and thinking, and debating friends...again.

I woke up late today, knowing we didn't have school, I wanted to get in a few hours and remember what it was like to sleep late when things get hectic later this week. It was nice. Sunday night was exhilarating / scary / gorgeous. I thought one thing when I left and came back thinking another, it caught me off guard in the best way. Life's gorgeous and its nice to feel the tingling on your skin of a night spent with amazing people. It was nice to get lost in the moment. I've missed the feeling.

We went out to Panera, discussed things, had good solid relaxing time and went to target, where I played interior designer again and made a mental notes that are going to cripple my next pay check. I want my book cases, its really upsetting my that I cant see my books, so I'm going to get them on Thursday and go hijack dads drill and go to town on some lacquered black wood Friday or Saturday. I desire to see my books. I think its why I haven't felt like this new apartment is home yet, my books are in 30 boxes stacked up against my walls and outside in my hallway. Plus, power tools are just lovely when your angry, and I think this feelings going to stick until I run until I throw up or row until Katrina has to drag me to the jeep for lack of arm and leg movement. I'll get to it, I promise, keep reading. I haven't done a me post in awhile, I miss it. Get over it. I'm being mean, I apologize, please continue reading.

After Target attacked my bank account and I put my plunder in my jeep we walked over to Barnes and Noble. Katrina forgot which way it was and it was hilarious, after living with me for two years you would think she would be acutely aware of where one of three places are: Barnes and Noble, The Art Building, and Hibachi Japan. Anyways, I digress, I went in and got a Fiji water (my favorite) and turned toward fiction. I was intrigued Sunday night by a conversation I had with James and Aaron about Hemingway and E.E. Cummings. I haven't thought about either in years, it was lovely to be around people who were willing and desired to speak on such subjects. I went straight for Ernest. Hes vastly overrated in my opinion, he was a pompous bastard and was acutely aware of how well he wrote. More power to him, as a writer of novels and poetry, its a necessity to have confidence in your writing, but don't ever, ever presume to think that what your writing is better than anyone else. Pull out a copy of Homers The 'Iliad' and get over yourself. However, Ernest did have a passion that lit your ass on fire when you read his books. The descriptions he wrote of Paris' literary society, hes coverage of the Spanish civil war and my absolutely favorite of his works (and in my top ten best writings of all time) 'Death in the Afternoon' is absolutely astounding. I wanted to be a bullfighter the moment I finished it. Its a gorgeous prose on the workings of a sport most people would look at and say 'You have got to be insane'. I sat and read for awhile and remembered the feelings it evoked the first time I read it. I had just gotten completely broken in a relationship and didn't want to eat or sleep, my best friend David from home took me to the beach and made me eat Cajun shrimp so I had energy to go surf and lay out and looked me in the eye and said 'Read it, I'll turn you around, I promise.' He was right and I killed my back getting thrashed and am still absolutely sure I saw a shark. I got lost in the pages and felt the Spanish sun on my face as I read. It was insane, it was the day I turned around and saw a light at the end of the tunnel and made the decision to get up and start those first tentative steps toward a new life. I remembered yesterday sitting there that I was sad before and that my life just gorgeous now. I've since made it out of that tunnel and am now basking in the warm afternoon sunlight that shines on this new phase of my life, and I must say, I'm meeting some absolutely gorgeous people on my way. Many have chosen to stay and walk with me, many have come and gone, but overall, I wouldn't change a thing.

After two hours and $34 later we came home and I went outside to read and doze on the porch, it was a gorgeous day and I wanted to bask in a glow I've been kind of resting in for the last few weeks, its a gorgeous feeling. I chose to read 'Walking the Bible' by Bruce Feiler, Its a book about Biblical archeology written in a gorgeous way, Bruce goes through the first five books of the Bible and goes to the sites where they took place and describes them now and how they would have been then and how it all ties back to the Bible as a historical text. I love it because its a no nonsense approach, devoid of any kind of religious connotations, spirit wise, that tend to cloud actual observations and make everything into a spiritual experiences, and yet, it was a spiritual experience for him. I love reading how he felt, how it related to the text and how the feeling of standing on actual history, ancient history made him feel so connected to the Earth itself. Like a link between man, history and Earth. The powerful feelings evoked by standing on the site where Moses supposedly saw the burning bush, or watching the sunrise on the banks of the Euphrates river. How in tune would that be?! I cant wait to get over there, to Capri and Rome and Israel and to just visit and stand and feel history rising up through my feet and losing myself in it. The wind through my hair, just me, the wind, and the impact that the ancient had on the very land I stand on. Its a powerful feeling I've felt before and is something I long to feel again.

I sat on the porch and read for awhile till I was tired then hung my legs over the side of the dish chair (my favorite) and let the sun warm me into the nice state between sleep and wake where I think best. I thought about life, and how I thought and what I believed. I do this every now and again to reconnect with myself. I usually do it on the eve of a change in my life, like a women's intuition kind of thing, but I love it, its usually just a day where I just let myself go and think. Like soul searching.

David called while I was out there and we got to talking. Got in a debate (surprise, surprise) and I found myself defending myself yet again. I'm a republican and very proud of it, however, more and more I've noticed my view straightening out. I'm not liberal, but I'm not conservative so much either. I enjoy both sides and adore it. I like being where I'm at. Its like I know what I believe, I believe it and think and vote accordingly. This, however, has no consequence on my personal life. I believe in the true ideals of the republican platform, but hate people like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, who can go live in Canada if they don't like how we're doing things here. Canadians are nice, the rest of the free world wont have them, for good reason, but Canadians would slap them on the back and turn around and finish watching the Maple Leafs game and finish their beer. I believe what I believe and its lining up with the moderate side of things, so debate me, I still believe the same things, just understand I'm not so naive anymore. I'm completely idealistic, too much for my own good, but not so much that I'm going to be avoiding reality.

David cusses. I cuss. Sometimes dropping the F bomb is the only thing that will work. I cuss when I feel like it and I'm sorry if I offend anyone. Its me using a variety of language and enjoying the connotations it pulls up. Its a cultural phenomenon for all of you anthropology majors who know what I'm talking about, and accordingly is absolutely necessary sometimes. I hate, I hate, I HATE when he apologizes. I HATE WHEN HE APOLOGIZES. Like I'm going to get bruised by whatever he says. Hes been around for more of my fantastically severe wipe outs on my board and on the soccer field enough to know that I'm a tough little cookie, he should know that I can handle it. It doesn't bother me. IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME!! Your not going to offend me for cussing or for voice your opinions, I'm not going to judge you, in case you haven't noticed I'm not that ignorant, your going to have to get used to me cussing when appropriate and don't ever, for one second think I'm going to not like you for some reason because of it. For my beautiful readers, this is why I'm upset, you made it, please keep reading and keep and open mind, my dedicated bloggers know I speak my mind no matter what, this is no different. And pardon my french, if you get upset about what I've written thus far, I'm truly sorry to have offended you, but please, get the fuck over it. I'm upset, I'm writing and not running in the dark where I can get mugged and I'm saving those digestive pyrotechnics for a good solid row. I want this to be very VERY clear. I know there are alot of new people that I've met recently who read this on a regular basis now, welcome, I speak my mind. But this needs to be crystal clear, I don't let my religious views, my personal views cloud ANYTHING I think about people. I don't hate Muslims, I really enjoy Islamic history in fact, I don't hate atheist I don't like people who try to force their beliefs on other people. Simple as that. Believe what you want. I'm going to love the light inside of you no matter what. I'm not picky about my friends, take a look , gay, straight, goth, preppy, artist, non artist, business, philosophy, Islam, Jew, Christian, Atheist. I don't care what you believe, I care about who you are. But don't ever, ever make the mistake of thinking that I care a rats ass about what comes out of your mouth, unless its an insult to me or my family or my friends, in which case, I make no holds on whats going to come out of my mouth at that point. Don't fear opposing me, if I debate you, debate back, I'm not picking on you, and I'm certainly not saying what I believe is better than what you believe. Talk to me because you want too, talk to me because I WANT TO LISTEN. Talk to me because I love talking to you, and don't for one moment think I'm sitting there judging you because I happen to believe in the One God or because I'm a republican. I'm not ignorant, I'm eloquent, and whatever I say is the complete belief that I hold, its not yours, its mine and I'm not forcing it on you, I'm sharing and I want you to talk back. Yell, cuss, getting into a torrent and let it fly, I'm going to listen and laugh, or cry or sit in the quiet with you because I love the light inside you and if I choose to spend my time with you its because I see something beautiful in you. No more, no less.

I'm here, talk to me.