lead me beside still waters...
What is it about us, why do we make life so hard? Why do you complicate things? Is it because we see drama everywhere, movies, tv, music, and we feel the need to have such problems ourselves? It seems we’re slowly destroying the beautiful creation Christ has created in us. We are humans: broken, battered, stained, tattered, sad, happy, lonely, beautiful creatures. We are capable of extraordinary beauty, and extraordinary evil. The depths of our souls in unfathomable, we’re capable of so much, yet we starve ourselves off with petty pursuits. What does it matter if you don’t go out this weekend and party, Does it make you any less lonely to go out and grab a man and bring him home to sleep with you? Will he lie beside you and look at you and see those little freckles you have above your lip that you hate so much? Will he run his hands through your hair and comfort you when the world falls around you? Or will he be done with you, having gotten what he came for, and leave so unceremoniously? Why must so many fall to these things? What is accomplished with drowning your world in alcohol? With pushing away the ugliness that is thrown at you by shoving a needle in your arm, with lighting a joint and filling your lungs and mind with a smoke so think it blurs everything for miles? What is it we run from?
It seems our lives are being diminished slowly, self-destruction will inevitably follow. I was watching a really awesome movie tonight, I recommend it highly, ‘The Upside of Anger’. The whole movie is about how we let things destroy us, anger, frustration, fear, rejection; that all of these things, so ugly and horrid, will take over, that they come in spurts, powerful and driving, but that, like everything else in the universe, washes away. That on the other side of that stumble that brought us to our knees there’s green grass, there’s fresh air, that no matter what happens, the beautiful will inevitably follow. It’s in this that we must take comfort. That Christ stand with open arms, that he wont burden us with more than we can carry, that even when we’re at our wits end, He will come and lift all that crushes us from our shoulders, take it himself and carry us until we’ve regained our strength.
Its so hard to see that end sometimes, I know it is, but I swear on my life that its there. Even when the sky is falling and the darkness around us is so thick that your absolutely sure that you’ll never see light again, when all is lost and your begging for an end, it comes to you, that sweetness follows. He always comes to you, to me, when we least expect it, when its absolutely the moment, whether we know it or not, when we need him the most. Beauty and peace washes over you and you can rest in the knowledge that whatever comes next, you’ll be fine.
I’m at that point now. I’ve been so crushed, I’m at the point where I’m absolutely sure that I cant possibly live on and be happy. I’ve been carrying my burdens for so long, I’m absolutely broken, even as I write this the tears fall. Yet He’s here. I can feel His presence, next to me here on the porch, in the wind, in the sweet smell of the rain that’s coming. In the grass and the trees. All around me, giving me strength, giving me comfort. I know that these burdens I’m carrying are part of His test for me, he’s teaching me in his own time, and you know what? I’m ok with that. I know that when my time comes He will come to me and release me, He’ll lift off these chains that I’ve been dragging for so long and ‘Lie me by still waters’ where I can rest in the full knowledge and peace that I have come through the storm, that my ship has come safely to port. I wait in anticipation for that day, when I can go to sleep without tears, without the fear that when I wake up the next day someone wont love me, wont be thinking of me, wont care whether I live or die. Those that know me really know me know that this is my biggest struggle, the longest and heaviest chain that I carry. For one reason or another I suffer because I believe that no one loves me, cares for me, thinks of me, no matter who it is, from my parents and brothers to my friends. I carry the burden that is loneliness. I’ve been struggling with this for years, I listen to the earnest bestowences of love by my mother, my father, my brothers, everyone and yet for one reason or another I know it in my head but not in my heart. Whether its because of being left behind in the past by those I cared for the most one too many times, or because of some block I’ve set up within myself, I know that it must be overcome in order for me to be happy. To be at peace. This wall is slowly coming down, each day it gets easier, it’s how I know that Christ is beside me. When I’ve at my utmost despair, when I beg for a companion, I get Him. He sits with my, wipes away my tears, lets me sleep in peace and good dreams, and calms my heart. I am so thankful for his grace. For his mercy. For his absolute love. For the knowledge that no matter what I think He loves me, he cares, and He is ALWAYS with me.
In the end it comes out of nowhere, even late in the game, it can be such a surprise. Such a beautiful surprise. We are his creations. Most beloved of His heart. Just like I am never alone, neither are you. Hes all around you, in the wind through your hair, in the clouds above, in the beautiful spring flowers that abound with color this time of year, but in the most beautiful place of all, in the very depths of your heart. With unfathomable love, He’s with you, and always will be.
It seems our lives are being diminished slowly, self-destruction will inevitably follow. I was watching a really awesome movie tonight, I recommend it highly, ‘The Upside of Anger’. The whole movie is about how we let things destroy us, anger, frustration, fear, rejection; that all of these things, so ugly and horrid, will take over, that they come in spurts, powerful and driving, but that, like everything else in the universe, washes away. That on the other side of that stumble that brought us to our knees there’s green grass, there’s fresh air, that no matter what happens, the beautiful will inevitably follow. It’s in this that we must take comfort. That Christ stand with open arms, that he wont burden us with more than we can carry, that even when we’re at our wits end, He will come and lift all that crushes us from our shoulders, take it himself and carry us until we’ve regained our strength.
Its so hard to see that end sometimes, I know it is, but I swear on my life that its there. Even when the sky is falling and the darkness around us is so thick that your absolutely sure that you’ll never see light again, when all is lost and your begging for an end, it comes to you, that sweetness follows. He always comes to you, to me, when we least expect it, when its absolutely the moment, whether we know it or not, when we need him the most. Beauty and peace washes over you and you can rest in the knowledge that whatever comes next, you’ll be fine.
I’m at that point now. I’ve been so crushed, I’m at the point where I’m absolutely sure that I cant possibly live on and be happy. I’ve been carrying my burdens for so long, I’m absolutely broken, even as I write this the tears fall. Yet He’s here. I can feel His presence, next to me here on the porch, in the wind, in the sweet smell of the rain that’s coming. In the grass and the trees. All around me, giving me strength, giving me comfort. I know that these burdens I’m carrying are part of His test for me, he’s teaching me in his own time, and you know what? I’m ok with that. I know that when my time comes He will come to me and release me, He’ll lift off these chains that I’ve been dragging for so long and ‘Lie me by still waters’ where I can rest in the full knowledge and peace that I have come through the storm, that my ship has come safely to port. I wait in anticipation for that day, when I can go to sleep without tears, without the fear that when I wake up the next day someone wont love me, wont be thinking of me, wont care whether I live or die. Those that know me really know me know that this is my biggest struggle, the longest and heaviest chain that I carry. For one reason or another I suffer because I believe that no one loves me, cares for me, thinks of me, no matter who it is, from my parents and brothers to my friends. I carry the burden that is loneliness. I’ve been struggling with this for years, I listen to the earnest bestowences of love by my mother, my father, my brothers, everyone and yet for one reason or another I know it in my head but not in my heart. Whether its because of being left behind in the past by those I cared for the most one too many times, or because of some block I’ve set up within myself, I know that it must be overcome in order for me to be happy. To be at peace. This wall is slowly coming down, each day it gets easier, it’s how I know that Christ is beside me. When I’ve at my utmost despair, when I beg for a companion, I get Him. He sits with my, wipes away my tears, lets me sleep in peace and good dreams, and calms my heart. I am so thankful for his grace. For his mercy. For his absolute love. For the knowledge that no matter what I think He loves me, he cares, and He is ALWAYS with me.
In the end it comes out of nowhere, even late in the game, it can be such a surprise. Such a beautiful surprise. We are his creations. Most beloved of His heart. Just like I am never alone, neither are you. Hes all around you, in the wind through your hair, in the clouds above, in the beautiful spring flowers that abound with color this time of year, but in the most beautiful place of all, in the very depths of your heart. With unfathomable love, He’s with you, and always will be.
posted by Jamie | 10:34 PM
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