the realization of love

it has been my great honor and privilege to have been a member of an extrodinary group of people. for 21 years i have carried the title of 'Crouthamel'. I carry this title with pride, with honor, with respect and with enduring, unending love for my fellow members of this clan. for 21 years i have had the privilege of having a select group of people who have loved me without bounds and without stipulations. it has been my great joy to be part of this group of extrodinary people, and it has recently come to my realization just how much i love them and appreciate them.

i had a good heart to heart with my mother this weekend and along with certian heart transformations as of late i've come to the realization of just how much my parents, my brothers and my family all love me. they've stuck with me through a whole slew of crap and i've had the privlege of having them to be my foundation adn backing for all of my life. mom was very clear in her answers and speaking to me on how much i've been appecireated, loved and respected in my family. for those of you who dont know, this has been a great stumbling block for me for most of my life, i've always felt inferiror to those closest to me, and i've been happy to stand back and put my feelings of inferirority to the back of my mind in order to be the supporter of my group.

however, recent events have given me a broader look at my life and i took the opportunity to have lunch with my mother on saturday after i got back from one of my bestests Katies brial party thingy. i sat and explained the changes i was going through and like the wonderful and extrodinary woman and mother that she is, mom explained the things i needed to hear. she told me that things were exactly they should be, that i was loved, that my brothers loved me and respected me, that i was their role model and that no matter what has happened in the past, that they (my ENTIRE family) love me and are beyond proud of me. its been such a blessing to have them in my life, i know that things are going to just get better and better and that no matter what, i've got an extrodinary group of people that have my back, i'm so proud of them, i'm so proud of my mother, my father, and of my brothers. God blessed me beyond bounds with such extrodinary people...

i'm off to be a big time newspaper woman, i love my life, i love my job, and my friends and my family are the light of my life, you all are most extrodinarialy loved!

You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same

'From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
creations revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and
You love me the same
You are amazing God'
-'Indescribable' by Chris Tomlin

Listen to this song. If you cant listen. Read the lyrics. Really read them.

we had the most amazing sermon tonight at 20some. chris and justin played the dvd of Louie Giglio speaking on the vastness of God, and the smallness of humanity. he titled his sermon 'significant insignificance'. i made it about 5 minutes into the viewing before the tears started rolling down my cheeks. it was incredible. words cant describe it. it was absolutely, positively, 100 million% exactly what i needed to hear tonight. God did it again, he showed His Awesome magnificence and spoke directly to my heart. i so needed to hear what Louie had gleaned from Christ words in Isaiah. i'm going to be buying the dvd, so all can come and watch it, or borrow it. the words he spoke were so powerful!

he spoke on the significant insignificance of us as mankind, and the absolute vastness, glorious, magnificent hugeness that God is. how He measures the breadth of the universe with his hands, who measures the waters of the universe in the hollows of His hands. he spoke of how God in his indescribable wisdom can count the stars and knows them by name, and that in His infinite vastness He sees each of us, and knows us by name, and loves us more than all of the creations of His making. think of it! The universe is infininte, scienentist speculate that it grows by millions of miles in all directions each nanosecond, and God can measure the universe, which He spoke into existence in the breadth of His hand. out of a billion billion billion stars and a billion billion billion more planets He sees us, a pale blue dot in the outer rims of a minor galaxy on the edge of the milky way, He sees each of us, He knows the number of hairs on your head, He knows YOU, and He loves you, He sent His Son for you, if it had been only you on the planet, Christ would have still come and bore the burden of your sin. He loves you THAT MUCH. He knew you before you were born and He loved you then, just as now.

chris tomlin sings this song and it just captures what Louie meant, listen to it again and really think of what hes saying. now listen to those few lines at the end of the song,
'Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and
You love me the same '
think of it. of all the sin you've committed, of all the guilt, all the times you've turned your face from Him, He was ALWAYS there with you. Always ready to catch you when you fell, because eventually you did or will fall, and He carried you. Not just picked you back up, think of it, the God that spoke light, spoke the universe into existence loves you SO MUCH that He comes and picks you up, and carries you until you are ready and strong enough to stand on your own. He demands nothing more of you then to believe in Him, to love Him, believe that He sent His son, His beloved Son, for YOU. thats it! He is so huge, so vast that He can measure all of the waters in the hollows of His hands, and He knows YOU. out of the 6.5billion people on the planet, the trillion trillion stars in the heavens, out of all of that He knows YOUR name. and He is SO in love with you!i so needed to hear what louie had to say, God spoke so clearly to me tonight. i cried my sorrows from within myself and now i am at rest. God in His beautiful, glorious, infinite love and understanding has given me rest, given me peace so pure and deep, something i needed so desperately, He has filled me with. i am in awe of His power. i'm going to find this sermon and post it, i encourage everyone to listen to it. it changed my life. ellen and i were talking about it after and she was saying its like gloria white (a famous evangelist) said, its like a hug from God. He comes and wraps His infinite arms around you and speaks His love directly to you. you are NEVER alone in Him!

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

design, dave matthews, and the stanley cup

The Stanley Cup is finally were it belongs, right here in Raliegh, NC

The World Cup has me completely entralled, i've always loved soccer, but i'm so in love with it now. Its completely awesome, i love it.

Today was my first day at the TEC, I love it, I'm really going to enjoy being with the paper, I helped Stephanie design the sports page for tommrows edition, I love the work, its really exactly what I'm good at, Its also going to get me a long way in my design skills, and its going to open a huge amount of opportunities. I'm really in love with the whole Publishing buisness, and this is just going to be the icing on the cake, I really hope they enjoy my work, and Stephanie said that a redesign is in teh works for next semester (fall) and then we'll be moving toward a more creative and exciting phase in the papers overall design, I'm really REALLY excited to continue my work on through this next year, I know i'm going to love it, and learn a ton!

DAVE MATTHEWS ISS TOMMROW! Just a few more hours and then I'll have finished latin for the summer (sniff sniff AND yea! I liked, but not that much) AND i'll be on my way to Raliegh and Dave. I'm so really very excited, I'm also really excited to see all of my friends. I get to see Rachel, we havent talked in a long time, I really truly miss her. I get to see all my university friends that have gone home and are going. I've been going for 6 years now, and I love every bit of it. Its really the event of the summer for me. I love the atmosphere, the people, the music, everything. Its engrossing. I'll definitly have pictures. I cant wait. Its going to be great!

I got back my Cannon Rebel, now I've got some really great pictures of emerald isle. I'm really proud of them (even though the focus was completely messed up when I took them) .
The Stanley Cup is finally were it belongs, right here in Raliegh, NC

The World Cup has me completely entralled, i've always loved soccer, but i'm so in love with it now. Its completely awesome, i love it.

Today was my first day at the TEC, I love it, I'm really going to enjoy being with the paper, I helped Stephanie design the sports page for tommrows edition, I love the work, its really exactly what I'm good at, Its also going to get me a long way in my design skills, and its going to open a huge amount of opportunities. I'm really in love with the whole Publishing buisness, and this is just going to be the icing on the cake, I really hope they enjoy my work, and Stephanie said that a redesign is in teh works for next semester (fall) and then we'll be moving toward a more creative and exciting phase in the papers overall design, I'm really REALLY excited to continue my work on through this next year, I know i'm going to love it, and learn a ton!

DAVE MATTHEWS ISS TOMMROW! Just a few more hours and then I'll have finished latin for the summer (sniff sniff AND yea! I liked, but not that much) AND i'll be on my way to Raliegh and Dave. I'm so really very excited, I'm also really excited to see all of my friends. I get to see Rachel, we havent talked in a long time, I really truly miss her. I get to see all my university friends that have gone home and are going. I've been going for 6 years now, and I love every bit of it. Its really the event of the summer for me. I love the atmosphere, the people, the music, everything. Its engrossing. I'll definitly have pictures. I cant wait. Its going to be great!

I got back my Cannon Rebel, now I've got some really great pictures of emerald isle. I'm really proud of them (even though the focus was completely messed up when I took them) .

I hope all of you have a marvelous couple of days. I am going to love my week, As always, I photograph, I'll write, I'll illustrate my life and I thank you, because you read.

big time news paper woman - originally posted on june 13

Life is absolutely perfect! Today was my first day of working at the TEC (The East Carolinian, ECU's university newspaper). I'm techniclly on a two week 'trial period' but Stephanie, my boss and the most awesome woman to ever walk the designers Earth, says that i'm a shoe in, no problem. Its going to be absolutely awesome!! I love the people i'll be working with, and as it stands, Stephanie will have me to be an Ad layout designer, and the Sports layout designer. How awesome is that?!?! I'm so jazzed. Its been the best day. I hope everyone is doing well! I'm working on portfolios and whatnot, so there will probobly be much changing around here soon.

I'm also working on a weblog for Jeremy as hes in New York. It'll be here on my personal site and i'm sure he'll love if you'll keep up with him as hes on his mission to save New York City.

To all my friends in forgien countries this day, I miss you all and I expect pictures, stories and animated conversations when you all get back! It'll be a preview of what i'll be like next summer, I cant wait to hear from everyone!

<3 Jamie

PS- Everyone better be keeping up with The FIFA World Cup! England and USA are rocking it all the way!!

blue like jazz - originally posted on june 12

'You put your nets out,
and still you chose to do without.
the only way to catch a butterfly,
is never waiting for the wings, and

The seasons bring change,
and as the seconds fade away.
I still don’t know why we were holding on,
But I’m still trying, to breakout.

This is the countdown; they say our time is running out.
I tried to stay above the waterline,
but never taking off the weights that,
keep us stuck here. In the comfort, and the fear.
I’ll never know what we were fight for,
but I’m still looking to breakout.

I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on'

Call it growing up, call it one last push at my rebelliousness to break free, mom will call it a miracle, I will call it Blue like Jazz.

I've been reading 'Blue Like Jazz' by Donald Miller, again, i'd read it before, a while ago, never all the way through, and never with my full attention paid to it. Its really a perfect book for teens and twenty-somethings. Its Don Miller writing on his experiences in the events of a Christian, he writes on grace, struggling with faith, evangelism and understanding that you can understand God. I recently gave a copy of the book to a friend who I thought would like it, since then I've been walking by my bookcase and looking at my copy, I picked it up the other day and have been reading. One part thats really been striking home is the part where hes been talking about being an example, how he finds it hard to share his faith with others, but is utterly enthralled when people as him about his faith. It really hit home, I love being a Christian, I love walking around with the hope of eternity and the rain of grace and mercy falling on me constantly. I'm madly in love with Christ and I love it. When it comes to bringing up my faith with others I tend to take a passenger seat position, I let them talk and get to know me until they present the question. I'm always thrilled to answer, always quick to point out scripture and to share about how Christ has changed me, but I'm a listener and I'm really in love with my position. Most non believers these days are easily turned off by people who are in your face Christians, meaning, people approaching them and trying immediately, pre-getting to know them, tell them that they are going to hell if they dont change their ways. I couldn't be that way if I tried. I'm usually non confrontational unless provoked and I'm the type of person that people like and identify with because I listen without offering my own advice first. I dont interrupt. I listen, most of the time someone just needs an attentive and caring audience to talk to, to ask questions, just to sit with. I am a creature of contact, I like resting in the comfort of anothers presence. I feel that I am at my best when in the company of others.

It has come to my attention as of late that I am an example to alot of people, I've been told several times recently that I am a role model and that I am a friend to look to for answers and example. I knew I was an example to people like my brothers, but, call my stupid and blind, I didn't really realize the impact my life and actions have on alot of people that are constantly looking to me for leadership. I find it to be an incredible honor and an incredible responsibility. I dont want to let anyone down, and I, more than anything in the world, dont want to have the blood of another on my hands- i dont want to be the reason someone turned from the Cross or didn't seek Christ because of my example. Mom has always been the first person in the world to press into me that people are watching me, that I may be the only Christ that people ever get to see, that is, I am the only piece of the glorious puzzle that is salvation. She has always pressed upon me the significance of my actions, that I'm not the only one that my decisions impact, for example, I recently turned 21. We all know what this means, and yet I find in myself no desire to drink. Its not to say I wont have a glass of wine every now and then, I dont believe that alcohol in moderation is wrong, I have wine with my meals when I feel like it,, I dont see the sin in having a drink every now and then, its when one drinks to get drunk, its when one chooses to take in more than they can hold that the wrong comes into effect. I refuse to drink to the point of drunkenness, I have no desire to allow my reactions and decisions making ability to suffer at the hands of inebriation. I had a glass of wine at dinner on my birthday and haven't had a drop of anything since. I know that my appearance, my choosing to be different and my choosing to be a Christian example to those around me is greatly impacted by what people see me doing. I understand that my getting drunk and professing my spirituality is going to be a stumbling block to someone, they are going to see me, in my drunkenness and see little difference between themselves and me, when in truth there is a difference, a difference that means the rest of eternity to them.

Its difficult. This responsibility. I've never been a leader, nor a follower, my part has always been the part of 'creative director' as in, I'm the one who comes up with the solutions and shares them with those in power and teaches those who follow. I'm kind of in-between, an Aaron to Moses, one who is an encouragement to the leader and who will hold up the leader in times of great trial and tribulation, I will take the lead when needed, I will follow and encourage my fellow travelers when need be, but I'm never fully either. I think this is a result of my personality, I'm an artist, I have faith in my ability, I have earnestness in what I create, but in my own self I have confidence, but at the same time little confidence. I trust myself, I trust my abilities, I trust my mind, but I tend to be the one who builds up others to be of greatness, and then stays behind to watch them shine on, never really reaching that greatness myself. I realize this all sounds very disconnected, but I really feel a push to put this out there. God has been really asserting his presence in my life alot as of late and is working great things in me, I feel him changing my heart, challenging my mind and spirit, I'm incredibly happy that it has come to this, there was a period of time where things looked absolutely hopeless in me and now that He is burning away all of the bad and replacing it with good, I am really loving the results.

I say this to let you all see what He is doing in my life. To show you that He is real and beautiful and good and happy and peace. He is glorious beyond all human recognition, His power, His spirit, His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness, its all such a gorgeous, life changing experience. I've had the privilege of being a Christian most of my life, I was saved at a young age, when I felt Gods call for my life I was in the stage where true understanding of the world, of life, of myself was coming into effect. He came to me as the still small voice that brought peace when the true weight of the world and my own nature fell upon me, He took my little hand and walked me through the process of building my own personality and has been absolutely intermingled into me. I glorify Christ for having been the one to be with me when all of the changes of life were coming into full bloom with me. It has not always been this way, He was still there when I turned from Him in my teenage years and tried (disastrously) to forge my own will, He was there when I fell, again, and again, and again, always there to pick me up off the ground and carry me until I was able to walk on my own again. He was there when life was so heavy that I was going to choose death by my own hand in an effort to relieve my own suffering, He stood by and took the blades out of my hands and offered me His hands and held me in His arms and let me cry until I could cry no more. He lifted me to my feet and began the process of creating what you see in my today. I'm whole and bright and happy now, by His grace, forgiveness and love alone. I couldn't have done it alone, He was always there, and He is still with me, always. Its in this that I've learned to listen to people, when I was at my furtherest from Christ there were always those willing to come into my life and tell me that what I was doing was going to get me a one way ticket to hell, but there were a blessed and select few who came and just sat with me. They are my saviors in this world and I owe them my life, they know how my i love them, and how much they will always mean to me. I came away from my trials and tribulations with a respect for the awesome power that is God and with a completely and fully saturated understanding that it was not my job to judge and turn away, the stones were not mine to cast. God has made it clear to me that my job to to help. To be the person that you call in the middle of the night because you cant sleep because something is on your mind. The person you come to when life is at its absolute worst and need someone to just sit and hold you. I'm always here to listen. Call in the middle of the night and I will ask for a minute to wake up, but I will never turn you away. I'm never to busy for anyone to come too.

As I said before, I'm not sure why this was pressed on my heart to be written, but I have a feeling that someone out thee needs to read it. To know that Christ walks with you when things are good, and carries you when things are bad. Maybe you need to know that I'm here to listen, maybe God felt that someone needed to read how I've come to Christ in a rich and real way. Maybe someone needed encouragement. I say this. With all of that is me, I know that God is real, is alive, is available and is so madly in love with us that He constantly sends us things to show He loves us. I can attest to this in recent events, in prayers, ardent and passionate, and tear filled prayers that have been answered. In the anticipation of answered prayers. Life is so beautiful for me, absolutely gorgeous. I get down sometimes, but theres always someone, some beautiful friend or Christ himself that comes to me and lifts my chin and says with the sweetest voice, 'I love you, You are not alone' I cant ever, in a million years explain the absolutely joy, the absolute peace that I am given by The Most High God. He has asked nothing of me but to believe, to lead a life that would share this love and joy is the smallest sacrifice I can make to One who sent His beloved to die for me, before I was born, before my parents were born, before He created the universe, He knew me, He loved me, He held me, It is with a plan of His design I am here. It is my joy to honor him in all I do.

It is in that that I proudly and with honor take my the responsibility and the privilege it is of being one that others look up to. I am vastly honored by those of you who have told me of your respect for me I am honored to play the part of role model, of friend. I take this responsibility and I take your love and care in my hands and swear that I will uphold the expectations that are had for me. I hope you will understand my love you all, its my joy to be your friend, your sister, your fellow Christian, your fellow human being. It is my joy to sit and listen, you need only ask. I'm never more than a phone call away, a message away, I will listen, I will love, I wont judge, I wont be angry, I wont offer advice unless it is asked of me, what I will offer, as I always do, is prayer. It is through the power of prayer that mountains can be moved, that healing can occur, that hate and pain and poverty and all of the diseases of this world can be healed of. Never underestimate the power of the goodness and power that is Our Lord.

Blessings and honor be your on this great and wondrous journey we are partaking in.

<3 always, Jamie.

we're only taking turns, holding this world - originally posted on june 9

i dream of another place when i sleep. its a place, far from here, with sand and water, with color and vibrance. i dream of it every night, i dream of israel. i dream of my little apartment there, a few rooms, wide and open, with doors that open out to view the red sea. carpets on the floor, my photographs on the walls, old furniture, many books. i dream that i lay in a bed covered with mosquito net, with linens of white and woven blankets, i leave the doors open at night, warm air blows my hair, i can smell the salt in the air, i smell the fruit in the trees outside, the city's smell of ancient buildings and ancient history. i dream of walking the narrow streets, i dream of the days, hot and wild, the nights, cool and refreshing. i dream i can hear the crys of the vendors as i shop, i dream of tasting the fresh fruits i will buy, i dream of the fresh juice running down my hands. i dream of the children playing outside my windows, their mothers calling for them to not go to far, i dream of speaking the hebrew tongue with its sing song voice. i dream of standing before the wailing wall and closing my eyes, i dream of seeing the city in its ancient form. i walk its long forgotten streets, i stand at the banks of the sea and watch the fishermen laying out the days catch. i dream of learningto cook from the mothers around me. i dream of working on collecting the history of Gods chosen people. i dream of traveling, of watching the world fly past the windows of my train. i dream of faces, of music.

i dream of home. my home. soon.

i dream of it every night, and every night i wish i could wake up in that bed and walk out into my living room and walk onto my deck and take in the smells and sight of the sea. i will be there one day, but i long for it so badly now.

I'm weary of what is here, i'm weary of the ignorance, the extravagance, the selfishness, the arrogance. I'm ready to travel, i've always been too busy to travel, i hopefully have a job at the TEC (the east carolinian, or university news paper) designing ad layouts. i'll work one day a week and get paid for the hours there that i work. more work and hours will open up when the school returns for fall, i think its a good deal, its not much money, but it gives me time to work and earn something, i dont require much at all. i've also applied several other places, we'll see if they call as well.

justin has just returned from two weeks in the holy land. he went through israel, jordan and Egypt. i envy him. hes seen sights i long to see, he said he sat beside the red sea and played his guitar, just worshiped God in solitude. i wish i could have been there. I'm reduced to looking through books and seeing photographs on website of the digs I'm following. i will hopefully be there next year. next summer i will hopefully be going to Egypt with my religious studies class, if not that, i will line up several digs to correspond so that i'll spend the majority of the summer in and around the middle east. all my friends are traveling, nathan is in morocco and seeing the beauty that is africa. I'm envious. I'm so ready to be there, to walk in the land of ancient. to walk the land Christ walked, to look out over the sea that He calmed with His hands. to stand on the shores where He preached His fathers word. i desire to be amazed and humbled at the utter saturation of His chosen land. i know my time will come soon, but i wish it would come soon.

i know why i am here, and i know that it was Gods will that i work on my schoolwork, much prayer went into the decision and this is what is best for me now. it just saddens me that plans i had to travel this summer fell through. i was supposed to trek europe, but several unforeseen financial things arose and i was forced to take this alternate route, this is where i need to be, and i know that.

I'm thankful for my friends. twenty-something never fails to amaze me, the people are the most gorgeous souls in the world. they and my lords table friends are treasured in my heart above all others. i've been having a week, just, one of those weeks where things arent going my way, and i went (yesterday/thrusday) night and spent the entire evening with quality, beautiful souls, i feel energized and fresh and anew. i love thursdays, i love that I'm a part of such an extraordinary group of people. I'm so blessed to have them in my life.

chris spoke this evening about the importance of service, it was a really excellent sermon and it really struck home. so many people are going out into missions, i've always felt a call on my life to missions, i know now that God is opening doors in that area, but i know He is also teaching me to be patient, which, we all know, is not my strong suit, at all. a lesson is being taught, i am learning, and i know that things are going to turn around. i have a feeling that traveling is going to coming at me like a storm soon. this could be very interesting. i feel the call, i will heed the call. God will open the doors, and i will walk through into His marvelous light, and i CANT WAIT! i know God has a beautiful plan for my life, i know He is opening doors, with people, with opportunities, i can see them all around me. i am amazed by His grace, i marvel at his power, i bow to His love...

'You are holy...
You are mighty...
You are worthy...
Worthy of praise...

I will follow...
I will listen...
I will love You...
All of my days...

He is Lord of Lords
He is King of Kings
He is the Mighty God
Lord of everything
He is Emmanuel
He is the Great I Am
He is my Prince of Peacewho is the Lamb
He is the Living God
He is the Saving Grace
He will reign forever
He's the Ancient of Days
He is the Alpha Omega
Beginning and End
He's my Savior, Messiah
Redeemer and Friend

You are my Prince of Peace
and I will live my life for You'

for justin, we're glad to have you back, we've truly missed you and your one man band!

i will dream of my home tonight. i will go there and see my life and what God has in store for me. i will go and sleep by the sea this night.

peuvent les benedictions et les prieres de dieux etre sur vous et vorte voyage

†Jamie

beware of the boys - originally posted on june 6

everyones leaving. its weird. jeremy left for new york city tonight. it makes me feel weird. i know i'm going to miss him. i'll go home tommrow to go to church and he wont be there, he wont be there until we go and get him july 13 in the city. nanny (my grandmother) turns 90 in july, so the 'rents and jordan are going to drive up there for a week, and since me, in all my infinite intellegence decided summer school would give me something to do, can only miss 2 days and not fail out of my class, i'm having to drive up there myself. i might see about taking a train, maybe meet jeremy in the city and take the train down to burlington with him. that would be cool. give me a chance to check out whats up in nyc and i get to see jeremy sooner than everyone else. we could wreak havoc on the unsuspecting populace. it would be fun.

i dont know how i feel about all of it. most of my friends are at home, as is custom durning summer break, but alot of them are out of country. i know i have katies wedding in august. thats going to be awesome, i'll be jet setting up to iowa for that, going to the city with jerms will be fun, i think though, i'm going to fly out to london or dublin or rome for a week in august, right before school starts. it'll give me a chance to have an actual vaction, which i stupidly gave up in my quest to graduate early. if not overseas, maybe i'll just head up to dc for a week and chill there. i've got some friends at georgetown i could meet up with, just hang out and explore dc (as if i had'nt already ^^ ) then again, i may just take my little butt down to the beach for a week, everyones heading down there now, so i might take up an offer and stay for a weekend. or the little layover that we have between first and second session. of course, by the time i get to go overseas, everyone will be back home. geez.

so. i guess i'll just continue on with writing my book, taking my pictures and enjoying time with the guys stuck here with me. not too shabby if you ask me. i'll definitly be out of here for spring break though. i'm thinking capri or the mediteranean, i've never been a mexican/bahamas kind of girl. ohh no, i know, i'm going to Johannesburg, South Africa. shark diving, excellent surfing, it'll be sweet.

one of my friends sent me the most excellent music. its all this trance/techno arabic, i adore it. i've been listening to nothing else. i've always loved world music, (half of my playlist is world), but i had'nt picked up on this stuff yet, its marvelous. good to dance too, and to get my run on with. download 'Panjabi MC' its awesome. i promise. 'beware of the boys' a remix featuring jay-z is my fave right now. its good fashion shoot tunes. keeps the adrinilene flowing and the mood smooth. plus, when dancing i can get some good angles ^^

satisfied - orignally posted on june 3

i wrote an entry awhile ago titled 'in defense of passion' it was back in my wordpress blog days, for those who haven't read it, its an entry i wrote just before i had my portfolio submission. it was a declaration of my passion for what i wanted, i wanted acceptance into the art program. at the time i had been struggling with the thoughts of what my future plans were, i knew i wanted to be a photographer, but there were other things that were vying for attention in my mind, including my now second major archeology and my now minor, religious studies.

i wrote the entry as a way to justify to myself, to my family, to my friends, and to my advisors who kept up with my blog the reasons i had for why i wanted to be accepted. i wrote on how i saw things in portraits and shots, that i always carried a camera with me, how i spent hours over individual photographs and how my joy was to spend my time working with my cameras and film. i wrote the entry before i wasn't accepted. it was a huge disappointment and called into question everything that i had worked so hard for, the blood and sweat and tears i had put into those photographs and into the art department. it all crashed down around me. it still hurts to talk about, it hurts to look at my portfolio, which i only recently took out of my car (where it has been resting comfortably out of sight and out of mind since i had to go pick it up last semester). I'm still picking up the pieces, I'm healing, and revising and looking ahead.

its definitely not the first time God has had to smack me with a good dose of reality before. its not the first thing that i've loved that has been forcibly shaken from me. God put me in a position where i was forced to realign my goals, my perceptions and my ideas about my life and myself. for the last month or so i've had to wade through all of the stuff Gods skimming out of my life, its not been easy. i've had to relive and confront alot of things that were lacking or taking up space in my heart. its been a life changing experience. it hurts, and i couldn't be happier about it.

a life change has been long in the works for me. Gods placed so many marvelous and beautiful people in my life as of late and i've been seeing the footprints He has left in my life in such clear detail. I'm getting closer and closer to Him and to the full blooming and realization of the plan he has for my life. I'm learning more, I'm gaining courage and confidence in myself and my talents, whereas before i was completely unsure of who i was and whether or not i was of any value to anyone. Christ is taking me into His hands and giving me peace all the while He is setting my spirit ablaze, I'm seeing His hands in so much of my life and the lives of others around me. He is changing my life and the thing i am most excited about, He is giving me back my passion.

its the force in me that most of the people i know admire about me. I'm one to get caught up in a storm of passion. over something new i've discovered and set my sights on. its something that burns bright in my eyes. but had been taken from me with the receiving of that piece of paper that said 'not accepted' . i can feel it rising in me again. I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me. its a force I'm seeing more and more in the people I'm around. i can see it flame in Jeremy's eyes when he speaks of his plans for his mission trip to new york city, its his desire to help people. i see it in katrina, in her determination to make her life matter, to rise about the circumstances that have held her down. i see it in nathan, who's in morocco right now, playing his heart and soul out in a mission to spread peace and harmony through his music. its in daniel, who is seeing his dreams of bringing quality christian music to a growing jaded generation. its everywhere. its beautiful. it brings a spirit of action. a spirit of mission, of purpose. i love to see it in those that i love around me, i love to see how I'm helping people, through my art, through my writing, through simply listening, i love that I'm feeding the fire in their own soul. I'm excited about the prospect of being an example for those around me. a light where there seemingly is none.

its in this spirit of passion that I'm walking through life. its in the spirit of passion, of purpose that I'm excited to wake up every morning. its the anticipation of seeing what God has for me that drives me. its like that steven curtis chapman song, 'all things new', its about waking up in the morning and knowing that The Almighty God is madly in love with you, its walking in the fresh air and seeing what He has created for us. The absolute beauty of the blue sky, the grass, the dew that puddles in a leaf in the morn ing. the majestic life that He has given to us. It burns in my soul, and its such a glorious feeling to see that people are seeing a light in my that they want to share. lives are changing all around me. i cant explain the joy i feel knowing that I'm part of something like that.

its something so much bigger than i am, its something that has the power to unite the world. its raw beauty, its exactly what God wishes to place in the lives of His precious children. i cant put into words what it feels like to walk away from receiving the Word from church and walking out of the building with my spirit absolutely saturated with life, with newly refreshed vigor. its a revolution that has the potential to sweep through the world. God is changing lives, He is changing hearts. He's raising an army, not to kill, but to conquer fear, heartbreak, sadness, pain. All of that falls into dust at His feet. Healing can be brought with a whisper of a prayer. its such an amazing love.

i was speaking to kie about my testimony while we were driving to sonic this last Wednesday. we spoke about all the crap we had been through, all of the things that tainted our lives. we spoke about our desire to make a difference. we spoke about how Christ has burned through our lives and turned all of that pain, all of that disappointment, all of the sadness, the suffering, He has burned it away and left us with a passion for His Word, a thirst for His Grace, a desire to bring not only ourselves, but those around us closer to Him. He has healed our broken hearts. He has taken away our loneliness, and He is bringing to our lives such exciting things. Hes breathed new lives into our bodies, and we're going to share it with everyone.

its a passion that i've never felt before. its a fire that burns. a fire that feeds my spirit and burns away all of the loneliness that i struggle with, all of the hurt and pain of the past is gone, and in its place are amazing and anticipation of what the future holds for me. I'm not scared anymore of what is to come. i look forward to see what His Will is for my life. i have a purpose, i have a heart full of love and wonder. and I'm absolutely drowning in his Grace, i cant describe the joy. i can only say this. if you have never felt this, you've never truly lived. open your heart, open your mind, receive the healing and love His has for you. it happens and bring so much joy, its such a surprise.

He makes all things new!

Jamie

such great heights - orignally posted on june 2

its 2:00am, i went to sleep around 11:30pm right after i wrote the last entry here. i had much on my mind. i just woke up from the most extraordinary dream. i didn't think i'd sleep well tonight. i was feeling rather sad earlier. it was such an extraordinary dream. i wish i could write about it. but i really think this was something God sent me to comfort me. i'll definitely be praying about this, i hope this is some indication of the future!

i hope everyone is sleeping well, and i hope i dream this again! wow. i realize I'm weird. but i had to just find some way to express my peace and the glitter that this dream has left in my spirit. God is extraordinary!

† Jamie

go carts and princess brides - originally posted june 2

I love my friends! I just had the most amazing time.

It was Daniel's birthday this last tuesday and since it was mid-week he decided to wait till the weekend to go out. so. he decided he was 5 instead of 23 and we went to the 'greenville fun park' and raced go carts. katrina was a little mexican jerk and wouldn't let me pass (hehehe just kidding, i love you!). it was great, such a stress realize. it was so juvenile, but so fun! i had an excellent time, it was just a bunch of friends being young at heart and enjoying some speed and lawn mower motors.

after go cart racing, we decided to go and eat at chicos. Sean joined us and it was hilarious. we sat and eat and had a great time, just fellowship with really awesome people. we were going to go and catch the midnight show of 'x-men evolution' but instead we opted for a comedy and went over to seans house in trafalgar square and watched 'the princess bride' it was awesome. i really love my friends! and i really needed that on friday. it was just all around a stressful and and sad day. I love you guys!

<3 Jamie

safe and sound -originally posted on june 1

'Maybe this is forever
Forever fades away
Like a rocket ascending into space
Could you not be sad?
Could you not break down?
After all, I won't let go
Until you're safe and sound
Until you're safe and sound
There's beauty in release
There's no one left to please but you and me'

its hard. learning to let go. to really acknowledge something and to release it and turn and not look back. i've had to to alot of this lately. I'm being remolded inside. Gods working miracles in my life, i can feel His had in the decisions I'm making, it is a comfort, a peace, a peace like i've never known. its hard to let some of the things go that I'm being called to let go. i know that its for the best, but the part of me that still wants to hold onto the past is getting a little persistent on things.

claire has been on my mind lately. for those of you who dont know, she was a friend of a friend from high school who shot herself on tuesday night. mom and jeremy and i have been talking about it alot. its really tragic. i can understand where thee thought comes from, i've been there, i've been to the absolute edge and had to make the decision to step off of the cliff and turn around and give it another shot. alot of people are walking around with this complete misunderstanding of what its like to be in her shoes. I'm so glad i didn't make that ultimate decision. i've had the privilege of meeting some of the most beautiful people in the world. but at the time, there was no other solution. its hard sometimes, even now, to look at how things are and not want to just go to sleep and not wake up. i didn't know her very well, i'd talked to to her at parties and stuff but never really gotten to know her, but it just really hits home.

its been hard to get to sleep lately, i've been having nightmares, about some of the people i care about most. its difficult, I'm completely burnt out. i've got the most consuming lust for life, its a fire that just burns through me every second, but the stress of everyday things is getting to me as well. i know it will pass, but i've got some big stuff coming up. exams are in a couple of weeks, katrina and i are moving to 'the exchange' on july 1st. between now and then i need to get a job or at least a semi permanent gig to earn some extra cash. Katie's wedding is in august, school will start at the end of that. i'll readily admit that I'm a victim of letting the future events that do me no good to worry about get to me now. I'm letting go, its just hard sometimes.

there are some things that I'm really excited about. they're making me absolutely lifting my heart. I'm so blessed. truly. I'm going to pray about these things and trust that God will have his way, i know that i'll be happy only if His plan is upheld. but i absolutely have to say, i hope this is part of the plan. I'm excited about everything thats coming up as well, (be it that these are the non stressful things :) ) theres a possibility that i could have a book of my poems published. nothing big, but its the first thing that will be published. i've got some art projects that are in the works. i got a twin lens reflex for my birthday and mom and dad are ordering film for it this weekend, its going to be an excellent tool. I'm going to get a book i've been eyeing at books a million thats a compilation of portraits that have appeared in 'vogue' magazine. they're all absolutely gorgeous, and even though i'll be interjecting my own style, i can definitely take a few ideas from the greats. i've got alot of friends that I'm really excited to get to photograph. kie and ava have invited me to come to practice with them when they practice at the church on Thursday nights so that i can get some shots there. i've also been talking to some of the church staff about going to the coffee house for 'friday night light' and taking a few key shots from each performance, having them printed and framed and setting them up in the coffeehouse to add in there. so, stress inducers are here, but some really great stuff is happening. as i said, I'm really praying that things will work out as i hope they will. if they do, i really think things are going to be so happy for me. I'm so excited to see what God has in store.

something to remind nathan that we really miss him! have an excellent trip! Gods hand is so evident in you and in your life, and your music, i know your going to bless so many people while your over there! we're praying for you! i encourage everyone to follow his journey as he writes in his travel blog, it can be found up in the 'au revoir' tab on the left at the top of the page, just click on the 'nathan' link and follow him as he journeys!

يمكن إلهة باركت أنت على أسفارك حالت حبّنا يكون مع أنت

<3 Jamie