The fountain.

For most of you who know me, this is a vast understatement, for those of you who don't, here it goes. I'm a movie fanatic. I adore cinema. I've written movies of my own, I've helped make movies for my friends all my life. If I see a trailer for a new movie, I write it on my calendar and I go on opening night so I can get the "full" experience. I desire to feel the absolute newness, to be completely awed at what cinematographers and screenwriters are doing as our technology and guts get deeper and more intricate. I'm always amazed at what we come up with, the angles, the plots, the graphics, its all such an awesome experience to me. I'm one to go into movies, watch them and come out changed. I'm a poster child for the fact that major media has an effect on its viewers. I'm always profoundly struck by the characters struggles and trials in movies, I come out with a deeper and more full understanding of the depths of the human experience as shown by characters in the movies I watch. This said, I'm a movie nut, but I'm extraordinarily picky. My friends generally don't like going with me because I'm completely serious when it comes to my movie choices and etiquette. I don't talk during movies, nor suffer others to interrupt my experience, I also don't watch crap movies. My tastes are legendary with those around me, If I own it, or rave about it, its excellent work, trust me, its not me being prideful (I own every Disney animated feature ever made). Its just the way I was raised, the creativity that flows through me, and the novelist in me that makes me discern so strongly. That said, I've recently gotten several trailers in my email (see what I mean? Completely nuts about cinema), and am struck by some of the subject matter. So I've decided to that I will create a new series on the subjects of some of my favorites and some of the great movies that I've seen that will be coming out soon. How they effect me now, what their subjects bring to mind, my opinions basically. I'm really excited about it. I've written movie reviews for several journals and things for years and seem (according to responses I get) to be really good at discussing issues in movies and how they are relevant to the real world. So sit back, grab so popcorn and read my stream of consciousness on what's going on in the marriage of Jamie and Cinema!

'The fountain' and Immortality.

Its a concept that I've been obsessed with for as long as I can remember. I am a child of two avid readers, two stark realists who somehow succeeded in instilling an absolutely overpowering sense of idealism and imagination into me, their only daughter. I've always been treated differently from my two brothers because of the way I've thought. Its never been a big deal until recently when upon going to New Jersey to see my grandmother and to celebrate her 90th birthday, we all realized just how completely different I am from the rest of my family. Its gotten me into lots of trouble before, my overactive imagination, and as one has already guessed, my idealism adds a burden onto me. I'm often discouraged and disappointed by people and the world because the world I inhabit within myself everything is at its absolute best and as this is definitely not the case in the real world, I often have to stop myself from slipping into a depression because I find it to difficult to bear with what is real as opposed to what I think all is supposed to be. This is all said because I've been completely enthralled with the idea of immortality all my life. My father read a lot of fiction to me when I was younger and mythology was a huge part of my upbringing. I was always astounded at the acts done by gods and goddesses who were relinquished of the fear of death. I found myself believing that they were great, not because of supernatural power or strength, but because of their complete faith in t he fact that they had no reason to fear death or end. Its an enticing idea. I think its what drew me so close to Christianity. The idea that I'll live forever, that I am the focus of a love far greater than that of any mortal man by an immortal and unending God. The idea that I'll spend eternity in a place of endless knowledge and passion is an overwhelming comfort to me in this dark and dreary world. The idea of a place without disappointment is absolutely extraordinary to me.

This movie, 'The fountain' is one that will be coming out in the Fall of this year. (Just in time for the Oscar race-which I hope it sweeps). Its starring Rachel Weiz (my second fave actress) and Hugh Jackman (my fourth fave actor -- Yes I have lists). The plot is intricate and tied to the idea that a man (Hughs character) finds a tree, the sap of which give eternal life to its drinker. He shares this the woman he loves (Rachels character) and they begin a life of eternal love together. As always things begin to happen and the plot evolves into a way to find a way that they can always be together no matter what they circumstances. The movie looks incredible, I've been following it for the last year, its been in post production for a long time because of the intense graphics needed. I'm really looking forward to see what the filmmakers have in store.

So what of this idea of immortality? Enticing. Of course. As one who has an insatiable thirst for knowledge I would jump at the opportunity to have such a life if only to get to the point where I have learned everything there is to know. There is another movie which draws on this idea as well, but in a more religious/supernatural sense, 'The Order' staring Heath Ledger and Shannon Sossamyon is a story about a priest (Heath Leger) whose mentor dies mysteriously in Rome of supernatural means. When he goes back to learn what happened he finds himself at a point where he must choose between his priesthood and love. The wrench in the plot is a character, Matthew Eden, called 'The other'. He is a man who, by taking in the sins, actually allows the person to bypass the catholic dogma of capital sins and enter heaven by means other than the church. He offers the position to Heaths character and that's where the story turns to the all important question. For one, Heaths character is insatiable in his thirst for knowledge, reading, learning everything he can, on the other hand he must choose between life of eternal life and knowledge and a life without the one he truly loves. I guess this is my dilemma. I would say right now that, if offered, I would take the chance at immortality, if only to have the chance to learn all I can and see everything that I can. To be free of the fear of death and have the chance to do more than what one can in a thousand lifetimes is enthralling and captivating. However, the question begs, what if I were to meet my 'One', the one that I want to love forever, would I be able to handle living on eternally young while they wither and die? Would I be able to live without them? These are the important aspects. As far as we know, true eternal earthy life is the stuff of myth and fantasy, but what if it were real? What if I could choose? What if I were given the opportunity to live forever? I'm one to say that when it comes to love I'm an idealist as well, I can say that when I meet that One that God has specially reserved for me, that I will love that person forever. I'm one to say that I don't want to live without them. I'm one to say that I don't want them to die without me, that I don't want them to grow old without me. I've often joke with my parents that I will die before they will because I don't know how I will live without them, the same with my brothers. Its sounds completely morbid that I joke about it, but because of things that have happened in our family, its been brought up several times. I don't know what I'll do without them. I'll have no one else, there are currently nine Crouthamels in our line, my family, my uncles family and my grandmother. If my family dies, I have Uncle Dave, Jan and Josh, after them, its no one else for me. I'm a complete daddys girl, and my father is in his later 50s. I don't even want to think what I'm going to do when he dies. My brothers are my soul mates, I helped to raise both of them, their like my own children in some senses, I don't know how I would be able to make sense the things that happen to me if I didn't have them with me.

So where do you draw that line? To say, yes, I want to see the world, I want to see what happens throughout time until time exists no more. I want to say that, previous experience taken into account, that love grows old and dies, and new love blooms. That if I were to live forever, that I would have many great loves, each special and unique and important in their own ways. Each would live on forever in me all equally in my heart. When does love grow old though? Would I tire of the constant push and pull of loves tides? Would I come to realize that love, not time, is the illusion, that love is a beautiful flower in a great and mighty forest, just one more aspect in the magnificence that is life? The question also surfaces, how would my faith come into play with immortality? Would I live until the world ends and then go to be with Christ? Would I grow weary of the wars fought in the name of "the will of God" and become disillusioned then? In essence. Would I grow tired of life? Or maybe I would learn, as I have learned over the years, that life and time are just cages for the most important of all things, the most precious of all treasures, the soul. That we do, in fact, live on forever, just as we are now, without the trappings of disease and flesh and disappointment and hate. That these things shall all pass away and we will see glory in what our souls desire.

That the truth about immortality is that it is, in fact, real. That we're all immortal in what each of us believe.

The Upside of Anger.

'Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... Turn you... Mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then... Is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm. Then again, what do I know? I'm only a child.'

Its a quote from this great movie, 'The Upside of Anger'. I love it, is one of those movies that a girl watches when she's so mad, so upset that everything hurts, that all you can do is just sit and let your mind follow the movie. At the end you realize just what this quote says, that eventually, anger subsides, that things calm down and you get back to normal and you start to pick up the pieces and rebuild.

I wasn't particularly angry today, I was eating my lunch and saw that it was on and just watched. As you have probably read recently, things in the wonderful world of Jamie have been a bit shaken up. I think it was because I was tired and stressed. I've since picked myself back up and dusted off and I'm back on the road again, good as new. Still though, having watched this movie I've realized what that anger, disappointment and frustration has done to me. The past few weeks have been riddled with little bullets straight to my heart and where I normally don't let things bother me so much, I seemed to have let my guard down and I've taken some pretty direct hits. Its not something I'm proud of. I read recently of one of my friends speaking of the "Jackie O" facade, I knew other people hid behind smiles and laughter but I guess I didn't realize how hard sometimes it is. Its been a real learning experience for me, these past few weeks.

I've seen the effects anger has on me, the way it taxes my mind and my heart, the way it paints a dark shadow over me every day as I walk through my life. I always knew it was there, hiding behind little words, phone calls that I couldn't pick up because I knew I would cry, little messages here and there. I realize now that this was just one more way God was trying to show me something. I kept praying for peace and calm and God denied this, He, in His infinite wisdom and knowledge, knew that if I didn't face what was happening to me, didn't take the courage and time to really look at what I was feeling, to understand how I was letting it tear my soul into pieces then I would never learn what He had in mind for me to learn. Its hard to look back, I'm a humble person, but I tend to raise myself up where it concerns my bravery and pride. I try to be the strong girl, the one who doesn't cry in front of people, the one with the straight face, even in the midst of unbearable pain, I try to be Jackie O. I go with it, I smile, I laugh and even though my world is falling down around me I don't let the facade crack until I'm alone and hidden.

Why is it that we make life so hard?I've seen the direct effects anger has on people, the feuds, the jabs of words and insults. Seen what it does to both parties. Destroys one inside, pierces the heart of the other. We're so quick to let our anger pour out of us, to boil over, and when the damage is done, when the bombs have fallen and the fires have burned we stand back and let unforgiviness and pride keep us from seeing what the original cause was. We don't like that we were wrong, we don't like to acknowlege that others were hurt in the crossfire, but most of all we don't like to know that when all is said and done, that we did it. We hurt, we burned, we said those words, we, not another, we did. So we let it destroy us inside, eating away at us, like a cancer, too prideful to let go, to hurt to let another in to help. We just sit and burn until we're nothing but cinders and smoke.

We're quick to forget what anger has wrought on the world. One man was so angry at the Jews because they killed Christ that he set out to undertake a genocide the like of which the world had never seen before and never since, Hitler single handedly began a campaign of terror and ethnic cleansing the brought the world to its knees. We like to remember 9-11, we like to remember that Arabs flew planes into OUR buildings and killed OUR people on OUR soil, but we're quick to forget the thousands and thousands that have died in the ensuing war. We forget that immidiately following the attacks on the twin towers that people let blind rage overcome them and innocent arab citizens in citys around the US were dragged from their homes and tortured and killed, simply because of the anger of a few. Were they wrong in what they did, absolutely. Did we need to stop terrorists from taking shots at us as a country? Absolutely, but, were we so proud and strong as the Children of God to wage a war on a diffrent front? One that most people choose not to see. Following 9-11 "Christians" the world over started throwing the blame, we ran through the villiage, as it were, and set fire to every other house of religion in the world that wasnt our own. We wrote books about Islam and its sinful hell going ways, we turned our heads from the truth that the Bible speaks to us, that we are to love our nieghbors as ourselves. We were so quick to judge, to damn a whole culture to hell for the actions of a few. Did we take a look? Did we take the chance to look at the upside of anger? Did we take the opportunity to let our anger subside and react in a way that would truly show us to be what we are? Christians, Children of God, Members of His Chosen Nation? What do we call ourselves? Baptists, Methodist, Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, Taoist? Did we stop to think that maybe, just mabye God has as many faces and names as we do as the human race? We were so quick to burn, to throw fire, but did we stop to think that maybe we were wrong? That we let anger cloud our vision?

We forget to look and see the upside of anger. The possibilities that happen when the fires are put out and the rains have washed away all the ruins. Where bridges were burned, others can rise up, where hearts were torn, new love can be born. We don't see the forest for the trees, or the phoenix that rises from the ashes to be born again. We say it hurts to much, we say we're not ready, we say we'll never heal or that they'll never talk to us again. We're quick to judge the good away. If we only stopped to realize that in the end, things are ok, then maybe we would see more clearly where the path picks up.

I think if we looked closely, and really stopped to think about what has happened we'll see what we were supposed to learn in the first place. That people forgive, that hearts heal, that friendships, true friendships weather out even the most ferocious of storms and that, most importantly, what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. If we stop and look at the upside of anger, we'll see that, just as the quotes says, it comes in spurts and fits, that it always goes away, and that, in the end, new possibilities arise. A new chance to see the world for what it is, to see the beauty in life, that without suffering, without sacrifice, life would be a sad and lonely place, full of cowards and the ignorant. If we really see what Christ saw in us, that suffering is beauty, that a lesson is always learned, that forgiveness is always there, we need only ask it, then maybe, just maybe, we'd get the true answer to the riddle of life. Love will come and go, friends will come and lift us up only to be replaced by others, rains will come and end the droughts and put out the fires, but forgiveness and peace are only a prayer away. At the end of the day, Someone, no matter who you are, what you've done, or what you call Him, loves you when you go to sleep, Someone cares that you wake up in the morning, that you are loved unconditionally and nothing, NOTHING can take that away.

'Nothing can be done against the truth
No matter how we remain in denial
Wasting time
Replacing time
With each empty excuse
But that'll only work a little while
Coping with despair
Knowing you're not there
Ashamed to just admit
I've been a fool
So I blame it on the Son
Run away from everyone
Hoping to escape this ridicule
Trapped in misery
Wrapped so miserably
In this deception that i'm wearing like a skin

Dying to maintain
Oh I keep trying to explain
A heart that never loved me to begin
Oh I'm such a mess
I have no choice but to confess
That I've been desperately trying to belong
Lying to myself
And everybody else
Refusing to admit my right was wrong

How beautiful is fruit still in denial of its roots?
My guilty heart behaved so foolishly
This treason from within
That reasons with my sin
Won't be happy til it sees the death of me
Selfishly addicted
To a life that I depicted
Conflicted cuz it's not reality
Oh what's left of me
I beg you desperately
Cause me to agree with what I know is best for me
Please save me from myself
I need You to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

The choices that I've made
Oh have been nothing but mistakes
What a wasted use of space
Should I die before I wake?
In all of my religion
I've fortified this prison
Obligated to obey
The demands of bad decisions

Please save me from myself
I need You to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

And then He came
Selah
And it means
Praise and meditation
And then He came
Selah
And it means
Did you think about that?
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Meditation
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
That it is sealed'
-'Selah', Lauryn Hill

This is the countdown.

'Are you getting tired?
I think we’ve gone, and lost the fire.
But I don’t wanna fight anymore,
I’ve had enough, of this town.

I can see the signs,
and I can read between the lines.
But I don’t know what we were fighting for,
I’m just trying, to breakout.

I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on

You put your nets out,
and still you chose to do without.
the only way to catch a butterfly,
is never waiting for the wings, and

The seasons bring change,
and as the seconds fade away.
I still don’t know why we were holding on,
But I’m still trying, to breakout.

I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on


Should of known better than to listen.
When the dreams, and the words started falling down.

Should of known, when I hit the ground running.

Did you think that the night would posses us,
to keep sober like the rain that’s falling down.

Did you notice when the clock stopped running.

Running…

This is the countdown; they say our time is running out.
I tried to stay above the waterline,
but never taking off the weights that,
keep us stuck here. In the comfort, and the fear.
I’ll never know what we were fight for,
but I’m still looking to breakout.

I’ve been waiting for something,
I’ve been sitting for too long.
I’ve been waiting but oh tonight,
this one last try, goes on and on and on'
-'This is the countdown' by Mae

I've been listening to this song alot lately. I've heard it off and on as it comes up on my itunes playlist forever, but lately its been really hitting home. Its a song about change, or the need for change. Its something thats come up all summer for me. As you've read in previous posts, this has been an extraordinary summer. Not only has God truly blessed me, but He has put the most marvelous people in my path. I'm really getting close with my fellow Twentysomethingers, I'm working with the most talented people at my job at the paper, I'm honing in my design, photography, and writing skills at the paper too. Gods really just rained the blessings down on me this summer. Its been a summer of great change for me. Last year was a very VERY difficult time period. Now that I'm in a new environment (housing, school and job wise) i've really gotten a chance to clean up some things that have really been collecting dust in my life. I feel more confident than ever now and my relationship with Christ has really grown by leaps and bounds, its been a summer of real learning for me, and I couldn't be more proud of myself for finally growing up into this new stage of my life, its been a real learning experience that I know i'll cherish forever.

Back to the song, why is it that we are so anxious for what we want all the time? This song speaks of being ready to "break out" to get the jump on what you want. I can really identify with this song because of my anxiousness and excitement to get my career going. God has made some big changes in my perspective as of late and now, more than ever, I'm really excited about the possibilities that are open to me. More and more doors are opening up here at ECU for me, from grad school to internships to studying abroad. Its been a time of great change, that brings with it great eagerness to get things rolling. This is all very well and good, but where do we draw the line? At what point to we stop living for the "here and now" and live for our future?

I've had several conversations recently that have dealt without his question. Mostly with the guys and gals from Twentysomething. Since we're all in the same stage of life we tend to think along the same lines and the same things that are on my mind with regards to the future and the "here and now" as are on their own. Things like marriage, finances, future plans, and our desire to keep our feet firmly planted in Gods will for us, all while enjoying our youth. Its a difficult prospect sometimes. I know as a woman, things like children, family and what i'll be doing in the next 10 years tend to catch hold of my mind and sometimes cause great anxiety. Looking around nowadays I'm seeing more and more women my age getting married and having children. As my lovely friend Elizabeth said in one of her blog entries on this subject, its so incredibly important to know yourself, to understand that a marriage isn't a situation that is made for one person to "complete" another, more its an arrangement to form a lifelong companionship, not a completion, but a compliment. One person to compliment another and to be a companion for life. I know that this is definitely what I want. But looking around and seeing so many mothers and wives my own age makes this difficult to process sometimes. I know that before I begin my adventures in motherhood I want to live my life, I want to travel and see the world, I want to establish myself as a firm pillar in my career field, I dont ever want to look at my past and regret that there were things that I didn't do. I dont want to look at my children and have a small part of me resent them for taking away time that I could have spent living. Rather, I want to have my family grow when I'm ready, financial, mentally, and when I'm firmly established, then I'll begin that foreray.

I often find that I take the heat in this sense, women around me often ask when I'm going to get married, when I'm going to have kids, and my response is, when God wills it. I know that when the time comes, when the man that God has reserved for me comes into my life, and when all the cards are on the table, then and only then, will I know that its time for me to consider that aspect. I was raised by a woman whose independent spirit would put the revolutionary fathers to shame. All my life my mother has told me stories of her youth, she had me when she was 28, after she had been in the Air Force for almost 10 years traveled the world and made her mark. She tells me often that she married my Dad when she knew that God had placed him in her path, and that when she had me, she was ready because she had already enjoyed the gifts that she had been blessed with. I've been deeply ingrained with that spirit, both my mother and my father (who was 38 when I was born) have made it very clear, all my life, that its my right and privilege to live my life to its fullest, they've taught me to recognize the gifts that God has given me, they've encouraged me to pursue my work in photography and archeology because they know how good I am at it, and how passionate I am about what I want to do.

I think its this way for the rest of us. I really feel that its our responsibility to live our lives before we make that big step into familyhood. I know from my conversations with others that this struggle is often on their minds, where to balance the two. How to recognize the signs, how to understand the path the God has laid out for each of us. It is difficult to think about sometimes. Then again, look at Abraham and Sarah. They had their promised child when they were both well into their elderly age, look at the life that they had, the adventures. Gods will is for us to enjoy the life that He has given us. To make each moment count. To live for Him and to live to show the world what His love brings into our lives.

" I will trust in you, always. O Ancient of Days."

Face to the night sky.

'Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.' -Greys Anatomy

'If you're lucky, you'll end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip off the band-aid, let them breathe, and give them time to heal.' - Greys anatomy

Two quotes to start off todays entry. Both so relavent to my current state of mind. This show is great, Its just the kind of show I enjoy because I portrays such real characters and doesn't mask emotions and situations with unforgiving love or sex like so many TV shows do today. Its a cast of real characters in real situations interacting more or less realistically with each other.

I've been melancholy recently. Its been a week of learning. I've found out several bits of information that have taken their toll on my spirit and left their wounds on my heart. I will be the first to say, God has given me so much, and I should be and remain happy in His love no matter what this life throws at me, but I am human too and a woman (as irrational as all men seem to think we are) who, like most other women takes things into myself and lets them bruise my mind and heart. Its been a week of constant prayer and constant crying out for peace and mercy, both of which I've receive gratefully on several accounts, but still have these events weighing on my mind.

These quotes have been on my computer for some time. I have them as away messages on AIM and I have them both on the "Stickies" program on my Mac. When they were spoken on their respective episodes I was struck by what they were saying and felt that they were often relevant to my life. As they have been this week.

The first speaks on the hardship of life. We know as Christians that God gives us all things and that everything is meant to teach us something, that struggles define who we are by how we handle the outcome, how we deal with consequences and how we react. We know that God is always with us and His love is constantly surrounding us, all we need to do is sit back in a quiet place and let it wash over us. This is definitely what I had to do last night. It was late and I was tired and ready for bed when the weeks trails came storming back into my mind. I had to stop several conversations I was in on AIM and just go get some air, which I find incredibly soothing and often do when I feel melancholy and restless. This time was no different and being that it was a beautiful night helped greatly. I simply went out onto my balcony, the lights turned out and listened. I often find that God and I have our best times together when I do this, simply sit and still my spirit and cry out to Him. Usually it begins in distress with tears and desperation and slowly, as His peace and love surround my heart it turns into a time when I get everything off of my chest and simply sit back and talk to Him as if He is there beside me, which I know He is, and praise and worship Him for the good things that He shows me are being done around me in the lives of others and myself. Its the most rewarding healing process and its saved me from being completely broken and crying myself to sleep several times. I love that as a Christian I can do this.

Last night was no different, I sat at the railing, turned out the lights and cried out for direction and healing and understanding. These were the things I most needed and desired and, as always is so, I wasn't left alone and crying. Its such a calm and peace when I'm out there. Its just me and God speaking as we were meant to and I am often reminded of the conversations I have with my own father like this at home. Its such a comfort to me to know that God comes to me as my own father does and grants me and open audience and doesn't reprimand me for the things I have done wrong, but shows me the things that are being done right. I know, as I felt last night, that what I am going through is simply one more struggle that will teach me a great lesson and that, when my heart heals and I can sit back and look at the whole situation with clear eyes, that I will be able to see, not only Gods hand in the situation, but that I will benefit from a lesson that will just be one more step on the path to the woman God has for me to be.

Does that change the fact that I am hurt and bruised and battered now? No, it doesn't. I still hurt, I am still melancholy and I am still battling the effects of what these event mean to me, but it is comforting to me to know that, tonight, as last night, that I will be able to go and sit at the feet of The Most High and be broken before Him without fear of criticism or rejection. I know that as I sit and as the quote says, rip off these bandages I have over still bleeding wounds, that as I sit and listen to the still small voice that they will breathe and heal and that the lessons learned from these experiences will outweigh by multitudes the hurt that I'm feeling now.

Its comforting to me, as one who often looks on the world with optimistic eyes, seeing the potential of every new day and every new minute as another extraordinary opportunity to experience the joy of life, to know that, even now, when I'm broken and weary and prone to see the hurt and sadness that the world is so full of, to see that Gods hand is in my life. That when I heal and look back at this week of sadness that I wont see the crying and the hurt and the battering, I'll see the moments on the balcony, sitting at Gods feet, listening to the wind feeling its coolness as the Earth is cooled from the heat of the day, and see the triumph. I'll see my rising above and my courage to stand up and fight when I so badly want to just lay, face in the dirt and cry. I'll see that, as God has promised, that we are strong in His love. That I am not a fragile little doll in His hands, but a mighty woman whom God has great and mighty plans for, and at the end of the day, I'm His child, loved in full and greatly and highly praised in His eyes. That more so now than yesterday, I am on my way to being the woman He desires me to be, a prize highly sought.

Recognizing Hope.

As humans we're so good at looking at a situation, analyzing our chances and giving up. We look, see that for one reason or another that there's something frightening, something more powerful, something unknown that we feel we cant overcome, so in goes the towel and out goes out confidence and mood.

How much hope do you see in the world today? Not much, its can be a pretty shabby place. Look at the people in Darfur. They're always on my mind because I'm so active in the Save Darfur Campaign. They're being slaughtered, children are being drafted into an army that murders their parents, an army that uses rape as a form of genocide, an army that makes them walk miles, without food, then hands them a automatic weapon and tells them that to eat they have to kill the people they once loved. Hopes in short supply around here.

There's this little group of people, you know 1 million + that marched down the streets of Washington DC this past March and stood at the bottom of the Capitol Building and demanded that the US help by sending foreign Aid and introduce a resolution into the UN to establish a peace keeping force in Darfur to protect the civilians that are being massacred. Is that hope?

This past July 2, 2005, 3 BILLION people participated in a little concert called Live 8, in which, simultaneously in 10 venues in 10 countries, 1250 musicians played, they charged nothing, they weren't asking for money. They were asking for names. They showed the leading countries that were attending the G8 Summit that the world isn't going to sit idly by while billions of people suffer at the hands of corrupt governments and dwindling food supplies. Where's the hope in that?

As Gods chosen, we are given a hope that far surpasses the hope humanity can dream of. We were given the Son of God, who came from the comfort and splendor of Heaven to this dingy dark little planet, lived 33 years of spreading hope and love and finally gave us the ultimate sacrifice. He chose the most painful and hideous death imaginable so that you and I, sinners all, could have a shot at sharing His paradise. And you know what? If it had be only you on the planet, He STILL would have come and done it. I bet everyone was asking "where's the hope in that?" When He hung dying on a dirty cross. Look at what happened next, 3 days later He blew the world away by coming back from the dead, proving once and for all that the God that was, will always Be, not even death and Hell could conquer Him. Hope?

Look around you, I think if you really look, you'll start to see something. Do you hope every morning that the sun will rise? Do you hope every morning that your body will carry you through the day and bring you safely back to shine another day? Did you imagine that simply by going and listening to some of the most talented musicians on the planet, who asked for nothing more than our names on a piece of paper at the door, that we could rock the worlds leaders into giving over 13 BILLION dollars in aid to poverty stricken nations? Could you imagine that by marching 5 miles to the steps of where our nation began that we could help pass a resolution that provided safety for millions of people who can now sleep in their own beds without fear of rape and torture? Did you hope?

Look at this mind blowing world that God has given to us. Look at the trees that sway in the cool breezes. Look at the flowers that open their faces to shine glory to the Heavens. Look at the birds in the trees that sing to the sunrise, declaring the magnificence of the Lord in their own tongue. Do they hope the sun will rise? Or do they understand something that we so often forget, that God swore to us that He would take care of us until the day He returns to take us back to Heaven to spend eternity loving us? Did He not breathe life into your lungs when you were introduced into this world? Did He not look down from Heaven when you cried out that very first time? Did He not put His hand on your little newborn cheek and whisper that He loves you more than anything else in the universe? That one day, when you were older that you would read the story of His beautiful amazing Son and truly understand that you are valued over the beasts of the field and the plants of the earth? I think if you give it another go and have a good look around you'll find that magnificence is in everything He has given you. That even when things are so dark and dim that you can do nothing but fall to your face and cry that there is Someone who will pick you up and carry you in His arms until your ready to stand on your own again. He'll never ask questions, He'll never drop you, He'll never let go, even when your ready to take those first steps of triumph over the darkness, look beside you, He's right there with you. Just have a little faith. Hope? I think you'll see it, just when you need to.

Son of God, shaper of the stars,
You alone, the dweller of my heart.
Mighty King, how beautiful You are,
how Beautiful.

Son of God, the Father's gift to us,
You alone, were broken on the altar of love.
Precious lamb, our freedom's in Your blood,
It's in Your blood.

Jesus, oh Holy One,
I sing to You, forgiven.
Savior, I'm overcome with Your great love for me.

Son of God, strength beyond compare,
You alone, the darkness cannot bear.
Lord of all, Your kindness draws me near,
it draws me.

Son of God, prophecy of old,
You alone, redeemer of my soul.
Come again and lead You people home,
come lead us home.

You are worthy, You are worthy,
You are worthy of all my praise.
You are beautiful (You are beautiful)
You are beautiful (so beautiful)
I will lift up my hands and sing. (I'll lift up my hand and sing.)

With Your great love,
With Your great love,
With Your great love.

Day by day You waken me, put the wind beneath my feet.

The title of this entry comes from the Shawn McDonald song, ‘I am nothing’, its an incredibly powerful song. Shawn basically is explaining why we are nothing without the love and power of God. That we are nothing if we don’t have Him to guide us, we only have power if He is with us, we only have peace through His grace, only mercy through His forgiveness. Its an awesome song, the chorus states: “I long for the water, it brings life to me, Yes I long for the truth, oh, its sets mine free” The second verse is really the most powerful, one that always stirs my soul when I hear it: “I am nothing without you, only the dirt beneath your nails, my heart is bruised and its broken and my soul is very frail, please give me a reason, a name to a nameless man, and no longer this broken treason, only on your I will stand.” Think about that. What he is saying that he knows that he cannot do it on his own, that his heart and soul are battered and torn from the battle between the flesh and the spirit, he is crying out to God saying, “Give me a name! Give me your power, your peace, without You, I am merely the dirt beneath your nails” How powerful is that? I know I feel that way, a lot; it’s hard to be human, even more so, it’s hard to be a Christian in the world today. It’s a constant battle, a constant struggle to see the things of the world, see those who walk in sin and evil getting what they want, while I struggle. Its hard to remember that God is always with me, its hard for me to realize that I’m never truly alone, that God loves me at my absolute worst, and at my absolute best. God doesn’t care if I wake up early enough to put on makeup and dress nicely, God doesn’t care if I don’t do my run every day and get cranky and feel fat. God is there, with me, always, always, always. He has never left me, and He never will. At the times in my life where I had hit absolute rock bottom He was there wiping away the tears and cradling me in His arms, and He was there standing with me when I accomplished those things that are so important to me, He was always there. He doesn’t want to leave me, and God knows, I don’t want Him anywhere but right with me, I know that without Him, without His guidance, I would make some pretty crap decisions and my life would be nothing compared to what it is now, what it will be as I walk with Him along my life’s path. I know that my desires and life will be great, because I’ve given everything over to Him, and trust me, I’m happy to have the burden lifted. All I give in return is what He has commanded of me. Which brings me to the purpose of this entry. I’ve been reading Louie Giglio lately, his book, I am not, but I know I AM is truly wonderful. It explains in great detail and great form that we are small, and God is BIG. His vastness is infinite, and we are just little ants on this little blue planet in this little solar system in this little corner of this little galaxy of this BIG universe. He explained, (as my previous entry on Louies ‘Indescribable message explains in further detail) that it must be understood that we are small, and that God is vast and real. That we are ants on an ant hill in Africa compared to Him, and yet, He knows us each by name, and loves us so much that He sent His own child to die for us, even before we were born, He loved us. If it had been just me on the planet, He would have come and died for just me. Imagine that! What love! I’ve been reading this book and listening to Shawn and Kutless and Chris Tomlin, and Jeremy Camp most of this trip and I’ve been realizing more and more that there are several commandments that God gives us, that are so simple, and yet so hard for us to do. We all know what they are, those who have been through any kind of Bible study usually hear them all the time, say, “Oh ya, I need to work on that” and then forget them the second you walk out of the door. It comes to me very clear recently. As I said in previous entries, this summer has been a big life changing time, I’m finally seeing what God really has in store for me, what I’ve done wrong, what I’ve don’t right and were I need to go. I’ve grown infinitely these last few months, and I’m really loving the woman of God that I’m growing up to be. I said it earlier, that I’ve finally learned to just give God my life, give him my power and completely surrender to His will, to walk hand in hand with Him throughout my life and just bask in His peace. He commands only that I believe in Him and trust in His will for me and His will for the world. I’m very happy to do this, and because of the love that I have for Him, I desire to fully submit to the commands that He has given to all of us.

I. We are called to spread the Word to the world. Matthew 5:13-16: "13"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.14"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

Spread the word? Why do that? Well, because God commanded it, that should be enough, but since we’re human lets look at this logically, shall we? What spreads information accurately? Usually it’s first hand sources, like the Bible. Gods Holy Word, given to us to use as a tool to grow, to know His will, His commandments, and to show us, most importantly, how much He truly loves us! This is always the most reliable source. However, God commands us, as Christians to go forth and salt the earth. To spread the love of Christ to others who will (hopefully) see His joy and power in us. Why do it? Well, I don’t know about you, but I like people, I like live people (although my job deals with mostly dead not so fresh ones), and I am personally not inclined to see people suffer, think about what Hell is, an endless sense of falling (think of those awful dreams where you wake up with a start because you’ve been dreaming of falling off a building or some other high edifice, (they usually happen when you fall asleep in class, you know, that embarrassing moment when you hit the ground and you wake up and knock your papers off your desk and you give yourself away.) Endless falling, mingled with complete and utter darkness, like, cant see your hand in front of your face darkness, the heavy inky blackness like at the bottom of the sea where there’s absolutely no light and those really nifty looking glowy fish with big teeth and little lights hanging in front of them (see ‘finding nemo’ for more details); screaming everywhere, screams of torment, absolute painful loud and terrified screams, every day, all day, forever; and finally that lovely feeling of being burned alive, with no refreshment, just burning, forever. What worse punishment can you think of? Would you want to go there? Of course not, that’s why Christ came and sacrificed Himself for us, to save us from that, all you have to do is believe in Him and your in a really great place (no income tax, free private real-estate, great music, oh ya, and this really great guy God, always with you, and I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a few zillion questions for the big man when I get up there…”Lucy!! You got some ‘splainin to do!!! Hahaah) So do you want to send someone to the fiery, fally, loud, hot place, or the really cool, tax free, rockin sounds place? Hmmm… Lets see, DUH! So this is why Christ commands us to share this wonderful story, to save as many people as we can, I love people, I want lots and lots around me when I get up there, I don’t want to leave anyone behind, I want some rockin neighbors, I want to throw some really great pool parties, what’s a heavenly pool party without God and people to come play Marco Polo?

II. We are called to worship, to make a joyful noise, Psalm 100 " 1 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.2 Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. 3 Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his ; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;his faithfulness continues through all generations."

You mean like sing all the time? No, please, really, Josh Groban, Sarah McLauchlan, Shawn McDonald, no they are more than welcome to sing all the time, but really, some of us, really, just worship. God gave us eardrums for reasons, so we’ll leave that constant singing to angels and the kids with the gifts, cool? No. Louie Giglio is a big supporter of this one. He’s got his hands in a lot of really great Christian acts (see the set list for Passion ’07, which everyone should join us in attending by the way). He’s absolutely right. God has called us to worship, all the time, never ceasing, and always worship. Look around you next time your outside; the Bible says Psalm 19:1-2 "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge." Just look around, look at the absolute beauty around us. The trees, the flowers, the gorgeous animals. Look on the inside; think about the intricacies of the human body, it’s just an absolutely gorgeous system. All are the creations of the Lord. What does God NOT deserve credit for? (porn and that other crap excluded, can we say…eww). Louie explains it best, that we should always be in an attitude of worship, that the joy in us should just pour out of us every moment, and its true. Worship in prayer, in singing (if you can hehe) in whatever talent God has given you, worship Him, for He is worthy to be praised! I have friends who are amazing vocalist, amazing pianists, amazing songwriters; they praise Him with their music. I praise Him with my skills at writing, with my artwork, with my oratory skills (when I’m ready to talk, I can talk. Trust me, I’m an excellent debater). You may praise Him in running your business in fairness and in equality, or spreading knowledge to your students, to your friends. Whatever you do, whatever God has given you, do it all in His name, with praise on your lips always. Its easy to forget that God has given each of us very specific talents, and that He intends those talents to be used in some way to further His plan and to glorify the father above. It’s easy to look around and see what your really good at, what is your passion? What makes your soul burn, what makes your mind race with ideas? Got it? Good. Now go forth and prosper!

III. We are called to love one another, as we love ourselves, to be an example, John 13:34-35 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Love one another, like your know, hippy stuff? No, God commands that we love our friends and our enemy’s alike. To recognize that Christ, in His infinite wisdom and compassion came and died for ALL of us, not a select few, and certainly NOT because we deserved it. We’re all sinners and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). However, we’re all human. It is part of our fleshes nature to want to love some and hate others; God speaks much to this being wrong. We are to love everyone as we love ourselves, to turn the other cheek when our enemies attack us. Look at the hate in the world. Its enslaved whole nations and races, its segregated women and men, its deified some and demonized others, turned brother against brother. We all recognize how this is wrong; God calls us to be the exception to the rule, to love others, no matter what they’ve done to you, to turn the other cheek. This doesn’t mean that these people are not wrong, this simply means that, as opposed to your human nature telling you to strike back, that your Christian nature should prevail and that you should forgive and forget. It’s hard, really really, REALLY heard, that’s not denial, but try it sometime. Trust me, people notice. Remember that old saying your parents and pastor said over and over and OVER again? ‘You’re the only Jesus some people are going to see’, This isn’t saying you’re a god, duh, this means that your, as a Christian, as part of Gods chosen people
(not the Jews, duh again, welcome to the Christian nation, Gods chosen people post resurrection) your responsibility is to represent, like thug represent, (fingers and hands waving wildly). Your job is to show the principles of our nation, love, forgiveness, respect, compassion, worship etc. As a Christian you may be the only Bible someone gets to read, your on watch 24-7 to the world, we are to be in the world but not of it, to be a light, to show that we are different, to love all without question, to understand, and offer guidance that will (hopefully) lead someone directly to Christ’s feet, and not to hells pit. So go on, throw a hug around, tell people you love them (refrain from gushing to members of the opposite sex un less you know them well, as this could lead to problems, haha)

Of coures, these are only three of the many commands that God has given us, this will surely be an entry that will be elaborated upon many times. There is another song, by Mr. McDonald, that must be remembered as well, for in Christ, we are ALL free...

"You said your burden is light & Your load is no more
You said your ways are right & in you I will soar

I want to be free, Free to dance & free to sing
Free to live & learn & free oh, free to be me"

Roadtrip

Its 2:03pm and I’m sitting in my Godmothers car on the way to New Jersey. We’re just outside of Baltimore, so its only another 3 or so hours away. It has’nt been a bad drive. We’ve stopped 8723984 times because my mom is worried about bathrooms, exploding bladders and whether we have enough gas to get to Tibet or not, this is only reinforced by my Godmother who added, as we’re walking up to the Virginia Welcome center that getting out the car a few times ever couple of hours helps prevent blood clots in your legs. Blood clots. In my legs. I’ve made this trip once on my own, and a zillion times with my dad and learned to hold it whilest he gets his road rage under control. I love it. I couldn’t be having more fun. Seriously, Its me, Mommy and my Auntie Ann; these women are hilarious, we stopped at the Baltimore travel center about 30 minutes ago for restroom/James having a cow because she ran out of coke and cheetos stop, well, we did the biz and got back in the car and thus proceeded to get lost trying to figure out which way to go to get back on 95 north. After 900 Uies we’re back on 95 and mom is frazzled and Auntie Ann is trying to calm her down (Moms driving Anns car and treating it like if she pushes the gas the cars going to fall down around us). I’m taking photographs from the nice big back seat that’s all mine and I’ve got the new Shawn McDonald album on repeat on my ipod. All of the sudden I hear this “wandering uterus” (eck, I hate to say hysterical, but its kind of the only thing to say to describe the sounds coming from my Aunties mouth < PS-if you ever call me hysterical or anyone in the vicinity your going to get a feminist lecture, so grab your thesaurus and pick a better synonym, ask me for details if your completely confused at this point) Anyway, I hear this insane laughter and I pull out my ear buds to see what’s up, Mom and Auntie Ann are just falling out because their nerves were so frayed, It was contagious and we laughed until it hurt, so its been quite an adventure, a great adventure indeed.
I’m ready to see Jeremy, he’s been in New York City living the high life for like a month and a half, all my life I’ve never been more than a few hours from him, I’ve been able to call him and talk about my stupid girl problems and have him pray with me and calm me down. So for the last month and a half, because both of us have been busy, me with the paper and all the new work for ECU student media and design, and him with his missions work, plays and other such city activities, we’ve busily been communicating via facebook, and I don’t like it. I miss him terribly. This summer has been a real turn around for me. It’s been such a great time; I’ve got the greatest friends, met some gorgeous people and have been able to participate in some truly awesome activities. I’ve got the job at the paper, the photo shoots with Stephanie, 20something eat outs and talks, and bonding time with my family and with my friends from home (Goldsboring, oops, hehe, I mean Goldsboro, my bad). It’s been an awesome time but it’s just been kind of empty without Jeremy at home to come and talk too. So I’ve really been waiting to come to Jersey to get him, now that I’m almost there, I’m just restless and ready to tell him everything that’s happened this summer, and to trade stories like we’re so good at.
I’m also ready to see my family. It’s been several months; Christmas was the last time I was up here. This Christmas however, I didn’t get to see my Aunt Jan and Uncle Dave, and we only had a little bit of time with Aunt Gladys and my cousins and other aunts and uncles. We’re a great group, We’re all so different, yet so alike, its just funny to get us around each other, since most of them live up in the North, they’re just loud all the time, but, my families from North Carolina, and Uncle Dave and Co. live in Arizona, we’re a quite folk (could you tell? those of you who know me J) but an interesting phenomenon takes place when we cross the Mason-Dixon line, our volume increases, our personalities just flourish. So it has been since we got to the other side of DC, I’ve noticed the tone increase and it’s feeling more and more like home. We have a great time up here, and I adore my family, we’ve all accomplished so much, it’s always a joy to come up and see what’s changed. My cousin Josh was going to come up, but he’s cancelled, which is really disappointing, but it’ll be good to conference call him in Vietnam anyway. I know once Jeremy and I get on with him we wont hang up for hours, he’s several years older than I but enough to not be weird, he’s 25 or 26 and we’re all just alike, its awesome, and scary, hahaha.

Standing on holy ground.

I felt the hands of God tonight.


It was the most amazing feeling. I went home to go to my church, The Lords Table, as I do every Wendsday night, expecting a normal service and some much needed time with Kie and Ava. What I got was the most extraordinary experience.

First of all, today was already awesome, I did my first full Sports layout for The East Carolinian (I set it up yesterday, it went to print at midnight and was delivered all around campus today). It was so incredible to look at the paper and see my work. I got it on the first try too, Stephanie, who is training me ended up having to leave halfway through my set up, which was completely nerve wracking, I had to go at it on my own. That's who Gods hand showed itself in this job, I knew it was a blessing from Him that Stephanie offered me this job in the first place, its perfect for me, exactly what I know, and will build up my resume' exponentially, but Tuesday as I sat in front of the computer, completely alone in my design, I knew exactly what to do. I did the layout in and hour and everyone, my editor Eric Gilmore and the head editor Sarah Bell were incredibly impressed with my work. Then to pick up the TEC today and see my design in print (I work it in Adobe InDesign at the newsroom) unchanged (very impressive because Stephanie said that normally first timers usually don't get their designs exactly as they worked it). It was such a joy, such and honor to know that I'm now part of something so incredible. The people I work with are awesome, Stephanie is completely the best, she's throwing me assignments working with Student Media--I'm shooting and modeling in a brochure tomorrow and I've already designed a t-shirt and two other brochures for ECU-- she's building my portfolio with excellent work, she's giving me so many opportunities, opening so many doors, its absolutely incredible!! I adore her, she's like my older sister, just a gorgeous woman, spirit mind and body. I know that I'm going to be so incredibly happy with the paper, its such an awesome time there, great people, incredibly talented people, I'm indeed blessed!

So the day started out well, I got back got some good work done for my deviantART portfolio done, got caught up on the Anthropology work, caught up on my emails, and snuck in a quick nap. All in all, got what I needed done. So when I set off to Goldsboro (972934 copies of the TEC in my front seat at the behest--more like threat of beheading if I didn't get copies for everyone I've ever met) jazzed about my design, hungry (I've been broke so I knew mom would take me out before church--Thanks mommy! I love you), and ready to spend some good solid talk time with my dear friends Kie and Ava. I knew Pastor Bill had been teaching a series of sermons about David and was really looking forward to see what he had in store for tonight. I got to the store, showed 9782394 the paper and me and mom had a wonderful dinner and discussion about life at Logans (yea steak and taters!-- that's the only southern thing you'll ever read by the way) and we set off for church.

It started out like a normal service, Daddy Dietrich leads the worship and always ushers in the Holy Spirit, really gets our souls prepared for the sermon and really gets us into an attitude of worship. Well its didn't stop, the music, the atmosphere, it was so extraordinary. It was like God Himself was there with us. We just kept worshipping, the Spirit blew through the doors at 7pm and didn't leave until we did at 8:30pm. It was so incredible, the Spirit just took hold and we were all just saturated in worship it was awesome, Pastor invoked a healing, a miracle and a refreshing over all of us and it was like waves of grace and love breaking over me. It was so awesome. At one point Pastor asked us to take the hands of those around us, I was sitting up front and Kie and Ava were on stage in the choir so there was no one around me so I just lifted my hands and worshiped and prayed while he prayed and invoked a miracle for each of us, that's when I felt it, a pressure on my hands, His hands help mine, and it was like He anointed me with oil right there. I felt His power, His love, His peace, it just flowed over me, filled me, calmed my turbulent mind. It just was so extraordinary, I know it sounds so weird, but its so true, its so real to me. I just let everything evil, everything bad just flow out of me and I just worshiped and praised. I am so blessed, I feel so much better, Pastor invoked a healing and the things that have been tormenting my mind just washed away. I feel refreshed and whole again, Dan Rankin called and talked to me for like and hour and a half and just spoke a word to me, set me straight and helped me to my feet when I had fallen (thank you so much for "Being the boy that saves the girl" Dan!!) Dan said when he first met me I had an infectious happiness, an air of joy, he said that I had lost it for awhile, but that its finally coming back, that its something that we both needed to get back, he was so right! I feel so refreshed. So alive. Its gorgeous. My "infectious" happiness is back, I've gotten my life back, its going to be a wild adventure this year, its my year, I can feel it, as Dan always tells me, I'm going to seize my future joy and just run with it. Life is beautiful, I cant wait to see what God has in store of me! I can feel He desires me to do great things, I am so ready!

Its also a good day now (being its 1:39am) because I go home later today and leave for New Jersey tomorrow (Friday) at 5am. The getting up early stinks, but I get to go get JEREMY!!! I miss my baby brother so much! I get to see my gorgeous family, I get to be a loud Yankee like I'm supposed to be, I get to celebrate my Nanny turning 90!! I get to see my cousin Josh, whom I adore, I get to take a zillion photographs of my family. Its going to be gorgeous, I love driving up there, I love the atmosphere and I love that the Crouthamel Clan is going to be together again! I've so missed them! I've been asked (since I have inquisitive regular readers--You guys rock!) to take many photographs and publish them here, so I will do that, I have a great idea for an essay that I'll publish here or on my site for when I get back, so those who have emailed, look for it when I get back on Sunday!

I hope everyone has an awesome weekend, I hope God rains down His love and peace on you all, I hope you see the beauty that each day holds! I hope that my friends abroad who are keeping tabs on me here have a great last bit of summer (yea! Everyone's coming back home!) I hope life is as beautiful for you as it is for me! Your all gorgeous!

Au Revoir till later loves!

Seeing something deeper.

i love being alive. i love breathing the morning air. i love watching the sun set from my balcony. i love this gorgeous world that God has given us.

its been a rough couple of weeks, just learning things that i need to know but don't want to know, and having a small identity crisis kinda made things difficult for me and really threw off my perception. Its come down to a lot of time spent crying out to God, asking for a direction, asking for an answer, asking for a peace. its been hard, but its been so worth it.

i've been given such a peace about everything. i've had the most extraordinary support group behind me through all of it. i see now truly what God has given me, the blessings, the marvelous gorgeous friends He has put in my path. its extrodinary. i was so scared that what i am is not enough, that the minor things about me were driving away the people that i loved, or the people that could love me. i was so scared that who i was inside was just not what the world would find attractive. i was lost in doubt and fear. i was stupid to think that i would need to change in order for the world to better accept me. how wrong could i have been?!

its about promise, making every moment count. its about walking on, whether its been the worst day imaginable or the best, and knowing, absolutely knowing that God has such promise in store. its like i've been lifted from inside out. He has taken my tears and wiped them from my eyes and He showed me what others truly think of me, that they believe in me, that no matter what i think, what i see, or what i critisize about myself, that i am an extraordinary spirit, that who i am, what i dress like, the woman i've become, its all the marvelous creation that God has intended for me to be. theres nothing wrong with me, theres everything in the world laid at my feet, just waiting to be seized in joy. a veil has been lifted, i'm so excited by what Christ has in store for me.

i've been shown what i have, i've been given such love and support by the ones closest to me. its unbelievable the feeling i have now. like every second, every decision, every new day is such an opportunity, such a blessing. its such an absolute joy to be alive. i see the world in such a way now. its like i was in the dark, about myself, where i was going and whatnot before, and God, in His glory and power has brought me into the light, into a place were everything beautiful thing, every opportunity, every second is just another opportunity to seize what He has for me. i don't fear what tomorrow holds anymore, i don't fear what comes next. its such a surprise!

i've been shown that its not what the world sees that makes things so beautiful, its looking through the eyes of God, at me, this world, His creation, and seeing that He made no mistake, He didnt create something unworthy of love, respect and affection. He created a world full of promise, full of joy and peace, a place to be taken in, to be appeciated, to be seen as God would truly have us all to see it. Love is everywhere, beauty, joy, peace, they are in everything under the sun that His glorious hands have created. He commands us to take hold, to seize every moment in joy, to worship through all things.

Look around you, look at the beauty, look past human eyes and see through the eyes of Christ, you are a glorious creature in His eyes, created with promise and potential, created in Love and embedded with passion. Seize this day as yours, take and breathe in the sweet air, revel in the warmth of the sun, remember that God is everywhere, He sticks closer than a brother, Hes in everything and His glory knows no bounds. Dont every be tricked into feeling alone, He is ALWAYS with you. Just look around, i promise, if you truly look, you'll see Him and He will be real to you as He is real to me.

You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world.

David. A man after Gods own heart. After Christ Jesus there is more scriptural references to this one man than any other of the giants of the Bible, of all the men, of all the women whom God used as His vessels, why this man?

Its because of his devotion, of his utter passion for God, his complete obedience, his courage and loyalty. He was a man after Gods own heart. Still a man yes, but never, in any of the times he fell, and he fell hard, did he turn his back on God, never did he turn from Christ and Gods perfect will. He was the sunrise king of Israel after the darkness of Saul. He was the example of what Jesus' own rule on earth would have been if Christ had chosen to come from his heavenly throne to rule Israel himself.

Pastor Bill spoke about David tonight. We've been following Davids footsteps throughout the Bible on Wensday nights and tonight's message just really stirred my soul. Pastor used the example that God raises up a David in every generation, in every country, in every county, in every community, in every family. God sends a David to be a positive solution to a negative situation. He used this example over many topics but the one that spoke most to me was that Christ sends a David in others to be a leader, to be a role model, to be a friend, and ultimately (if it be Gods will) to be a man or woman after Gods own heart in ones marriage. This touched me deeply because of my recent realizations of my place in the lives of others, where I once thought I took a backseat role I realized I'm a major influence. I've realized my position as a role model to many of my beloved friends and this challenge Pastor proposed of us to become the "David" that we can all be. To be the sunrise to follow the deepest darkness. I know that throughout my life God has placed Davids in my path, that in my ultimate darkness I was pulled through by a David and that Gods plan for me is to become the woman after Gods own heart that He desires of me. I accept this challenge wholeheartedly. I love that Gods plan for me is to be a positive solution to someone's negative situation. I love that Christ is using me to change lives, I love that I've come to take a side by side role in the lives of the ones I love the most. I love that God has put me in this position.

I fear it as well. I know that God will lead me through the times of my life that I need help with, I know that the struggles I have will be answered through His infinite plan and wisdom, I know that there is a plan for me. And most of all, I know that through Him, ALL things are possible. I know that the responsibility that this position requires is great, I know that the influence I have demands a careful watch of my life, I know that those who need me depend on me to be strong and to lead them through the darkness to the beauty and peace that is the sunrise. I'm ready for this challenge.

I feel Gods spirit in me transforming me, always changing me, always challenging me. I propose this challenge as it was proposed to me, will you become the David that God would have you to be? Will you accept your role as a positive solution to someone or some negative situation? Will you seek the knowledge, the love, the wisdom and the peace that is Christ? Will you resemble great King David in his characteristics of loyalty, courage, Love and passion for Christ, his complete denial of other gods, his complete devotion to Christ and his commandments, his integrity? Will you shine as the David that God would have you to be? I challenge you as God has challenged me. You will be blessed beyond belief, and comforted without ceasing, will you accept? Will you be the sunrise after the darkness?

Feels like home to me...

A fresh start. A new beginning. I can finally breathe freely...

Its been quite an adventurous week! We've finally moved into the new apartment, its absolutely gorgeous, I'm very VERY pleased. Its small enough for the two of us, and big enough to be spacious and beautiful. Its brand new, we now reside at 'The Exchange of Greenville' its a gated community and its just beautiful here. New beds, new furniture, new building, everything, I just love it.

Its nice to be in a safe place, a place without memories, without sadness hiding in corners, without reminders of pasts everywhere. Its a fresh start in what looks to be the best year of my life. I'm a senior now, I'm set in my major, I'm studying with some outstanding professors who are fast becoming great mentors and friends. I've got the best job in the world, I love Stephanie, my boss, I'm learning so much from her, she's just a beautiful spirit with and excellent eye and a resovior of help and knowledge for me. Already she's doubled the finished work I have in my portfolio, its absolutely the greatest blessing to be working with her. She's changed my outlook on my art, on my work and on how I view the projects I've received and will be receiving. She's helping me to have the best opportunities. I've already shot for two ECU brochures, modeled for ECU brochures, and designed a shirt for ECU's Volunteer day, its so exciting. I'll be fully designing my first sports section coming up and helping with the remodel of the paper for the new school year. Its so very exciting to be a part of such an talented and extraordinary sweet group of people, I adore it! I'm excited for the future and I'm looking forward to see how my work refines and changes in style and execution! I'm also helping Daniel with Waking Hour, which is exciting as well, I'll be helping with shooting shows, and helping overall with web development and whatnot, its really a great opportunity to build onto my portfolio and to help a great cause! I'll be working with some really excellent new talent in both the music aspect and the art aspect. I'm working with several people right now in helping to refine their work in photography, its really exciting and I'm honored that these new ( and talented!) artist are seeking my advice and knowledge in this area, its like I'm passing on my knowledge and skill, I love it! I just hope I don't disappoint!

life's working out perfectly, things are really turning around, its been an excellent summer, and it seems there's more good news and memories to come! I go to New Jersey in two weeks and I get to see all of my family, I'm really REALLY excited, I really miss Jeremy (almost a full month without him!!) and I haven't seen my cousin and my uncles and aunts in awhile, I'm really close to them and I'm really looking forward to being able to just sit and relax at the shore with them, Nanny turns 90 and I'm really excited to be able to go up and celebrate with her, I really love her and I'm excited to see her again.

My outlook had changed, my scenery has changed and its looking more and more like my life is changing for the beautiful, I cant wait to see what's next! Life is so beautiful!