Waking Up

So I get in really early this morning after a GORGEOUS evening. Concert, then friends, a really phenomenal conversation with someone i respect ever more now; and i find it difficult to sleep, being that there's a huge party going on downstairs. so i went out for a run. good solid run down charles and through tara on my usual route. made sure the ipod was in so i can pace myself correctly and everything. lots of time to unpack my conversation and the concert and everything. it was lovely, and fast, i ran in unusually fast time. aces.

i get back to the apartment and take a shower, well in coming out i had been watching rome on hbo earlier in the day and as i was getting ready to lay down they had a segment for music videos, and what do i see? one of my favorites sanctus real...




now read the lyrics...

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on

Honestly, I’m not that strong

And I move closer to you

I’m not all right…that’s why I need you

how true is that? i remember the first time i heard this song. i was in the middle of everything going wrong. a really difficult period of transition. a period of growing. i remember what it felt like to be able to say those words and understand them fully, 'I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside, all i go through leads me to , leads me to You'. how beautiful is that? how broken and real to say, no I'm not alright, but i'll be alright because i know that everything i go through is in Your hands, and really mean it. i mean, really REALLY mean it. understanding and growth comes from leaning, growing comes from a certain amount of brokeness.

we had a visiting speaker last week at saturday night worship who spoke on the passage in matthew 21 about how Jesus cursed the fig tree for not bearing fruit. he explained that Jesus cursed the tree not because it wasn't in bloom, but because the early blooming of leaves concealed that there was not yet any fruit growing, and He being hungry was fooled by the fact that there was no fruit growing. he spoke about being real, how through brokeness we grow, how it was so important to wither our own fig leaves, wither away all thats concealing us, all thats fooling others, how important it is to be real, to be completely authentic. in that painful process of withering my own fig leaves, because i want to be completely real, with God and with everyone around me; in that pain and brokeness that comes with it, i see myself growing by leaps and bounds. i love looking in the mirror and knowing, completely understanding that I'm not the same girl that was looking in the mirror ten seconds ago. I'm always growing, always taking in, always renewing. it's being revealed to me even more clearly that every moment is beautiful, every second is a new chance, a new choice, a new, completely original moment of life, and i can choose to be sad and let my life and the world fall down on me, or i can choose to make it my own, make it beautiful, make it special and meaningful. something completely new, filled with potential and love, potential to effect change in myself and in others, potential to learn, potential to grow. new.

its taken alot for me to get to this point. I'm one to expect things. to see the good in everyone and expect that they live up to their potential, live into the goodness i see in them, and then i get burned with they are human and fail me. i feel let down, not in a significant way, but in an idealistic way. i see such beauty in people, its my gift, both as an artist and a healer, i always have, so i want to see them live out what i see, when they don't its like something in me wishes they could be as beautiful as i see them to be. its alot to place on someone, to expect this goodness and beauty all the time. I'm not perfect always, i cry and get frustrated and have sad days. i get discouraged and upset, i have trouble forgiving. I'm human. i see myself as this thing thats constantly in struggle, but i never stop to realize that so is everyone else. I'm not the only one fighting to breathe and smile. its our condition. its our humanity. I'm seeing, thankfully, more and more beauty in that. I'm understanding what it means to truly sing those words 'I'm not alright, broken inside, and all i go through, it leads me to You. its a beautiful thing, to see someone grow. as one whose gift is listening and healing, i see it everyday, its me that people turn to when things go nuts and life breaks, i sit with them, i listen to them, i cry with them, and most importantly, i pray with them. i can lift them up to Gods hands and help them lift their burdens to Him. how did i miss it? i get discouraged, i encourage so much that i don't get to have someone constantly lifting me up, so i let things get to me, and i see the brokeness and its easy to let sadness and anger at this life take over, but I'm realizing more and more that its not about me in that sense. I'm realizing that through pain comes learning, through learning comes understanding, through understanding comes healing, through healing comes growth. a process that beautiful and filled with light.

its hard, this life. its ugly and painful and broken and sad. everything around us screams death and destruction and emptiness. yet we can do just as the guys do in sanctus real, we can stand and scream at the top of our longs, 'I'm not alright, I'm broken inside' and then we can fully understand the last part of that, 'and all i go through, brings me closer to You'. take hold of life. i beg of you. i see beauty all around me. i see something glorious in each new second that I'm given. i know God has the ability to snatch my life from me in an instant, but i know now, and I'm understanding more clearly everyday, that each moment, each second you get, each new moment is His gift to you. a gift i beg you not to squander. look around you. look at the empty things that line your path in life, little meanders that you could choose that lead to pain and sadness and emptiness, those things seem so big, they look pretty at first and then you're in the trap. i beg you. look at the path, set your eyes ahead and above. recognize that you're never alone in your struggles, as mae so eloquently put it in 'tisbury lane',
'please don't give up when its easy,
dont you know that me and jesus will be here to cheer you on,
Hes the only one that will be constantly
everything you need.'
understand that theres always someone waiting to help. Christ is always there to carry you, and in this life there are good people, real people, sad broken and human, just like yourself, that have come through in spades and are ready, and willing to help you, all you need do is ask. i beg you, call me, come see me, find me, search me out, I'm here, here to listen, here to pray and here to just sit with you, just so you know that someone's there, right there and real and tangible. I'm not scared to help. i welcome it. i welcome being able to pick you up and get you back on your own path, its what i was built for. its the gift God has given me. I'm not perfect, i ache and bleed and cry too, but look, see this moment as a moment you can choose to say, its going to be ok, its beautiful. its such and awesome feeling. i beg you, look at the gift of this moment and the next and the next, look at it and seize it. carpe diem. seize the day. its real. seize that moment and make it real, make it meaningful, make it beautiful. learn, grow, and understand, you're not guaranteed one second beyond now, you're gifted each second beyond this. God has a plan for you, seek it, make it real. trust it. believe me. its taken alot for me to say, ok, i surrender, you take the wheel, i cant do it anymore, i wont live through another disappointment. you know what? that feeling? that surrender...

its a beautiful thing.


carpe diem my beautiful ones.

Completely Real.

Real.

Its something we all aspire to be. Completely real. 100% ourselves. Its something we so desire, but something we so avoid. We hide the pieces of ourselves that we think aren't shiny enough, aren't pretty enough, are too dark, or too light. We search for the ever elusive 'Happy medium' where we have just enough of ourselves on the table that we don't feel completely fake, but not too much as to show the flaws in the diamond. We can say we're "real" all day, but the bottom line is, if its not you, then its not you.

I've been struggling with being real for a long time. Its something I desire to be, as it is with everyone. We're told constantly in the Word that we are a unique creation, beautiful and beloved in Gods eyes. Somewhere, somehow that message got lost and we started to look for ways to be more like this person, or more like that person. We so badly desire to "fit in" that we sacrifice the beauty that is ourselves in order to fall into a line with the people around us to do the same to fall in with the people before them. Is a vicious cycle that's created such heartache and monotony.

I'm often asked why I choose to be so rebellious. Why the black nails, the long hair, the weird clothes, the completely rebellious style in ideas and life. My answer is usually something along the lines of, well, its what I want to wear or say or think or feel or act or look like. I so hate people who try so hard to be just like one group or another. I really value my independence and desire to be my own person. Even in so doing, its not me being completely real. Its me choosing things and being certian ways, but still hiding certian things.

I got my real experience today. I shot the football game today against Marshall University. I was a nervous wreck until I stepped out onto that field. The energy in that place, the cheers of the fans, the energy on the field, the gorgeous people I spent the day shooting with. All of it was just this absolutely surreal experience of being exactly where I was supposed to be exactly when I was supposed to be there. I cant really describe what it felt like. I hope everyone has had this experience at least once. I remember standing on the sidelines when we won and cheering and jumping around and giving my friend I was shooting with this huge, run into his arms hug because it was such a perfect day hug. I was standing there looking around me. It was like one of those movie slow motion things, the cannon fired behind me, so there was smoke, there was some confetti that blew out in the purple smoke, there were the players taking off their helmets and raising their fists and cheering with the crowd, there were the fans just soaking in the victory, Skip Holtz came over and introduced himself and had this huge smile on his face, and the other photographers around me were laughing and enjoying it just like I was. It was just a perfect moment. New and gorgeous friends all around, energy swirling in the air, the warm sun on my face and my camera in my hand. It was a great day. A perfect moment. In that moment I felt completely real. 100% myself. The most pure form of Jamie was there. It was incredible.

Its not just the football game that does it. My life's changed immeasurably since my last post. I don't take anything for granted anymore. Theres Matthew, who I feel completely loved and completely happy with. Theres Dan, who I feel completely myself with. Theres Twenty something, the people there, who I feel completely protected and completely broken, but completely whole with. Theres my friends at the school and at the paper who I feel completely gorgeous with. Its a beautiful life. Its a realization that its not what everyone else thinks or sees or feels. Its what I can bring to the table. Its the lives I can change. Its the world I can save that matters.

I've been brought into this place of really great peace and vitality. Like life was lack luster before, now its shiny as a new penny. I made a promise to myself when I got really bad about a month ago. I swore that I would declare my life to be my own and to be beautiful. I've always made the most out of every minute. Now I don't take anything for granted. I don't fear anything that comes my way. If it scares me, its something for me to overcome. Everything I overcome makes me stronger. If its something sad, sadness washes away and paves the way for happiness. A new beginning happens every morning when that sun comes up. I'm not guaranteed a single moment, and for that, I'm going to make every moment count.

I'm not going to waste my time on the fickle world or what everyone thinks. This is me. Just me. Completely me. Completely real.

The Finish Line.

'The earth is warm next to my ear
Insects noise is all that I hear
A magic trick makes the world disappear
The skies are dark, they're dark but they're clear

A distant motorcade and suddenly there's joy
The snow and tickertape blurs all my senses numb
It's like the finish line where everything just ends
The crack of radios seems close enough to touch

Cold water, cleaning my wounds
A side parade, with a single balloon
I'm done with this, I'm counting to ten
Blue as seas, running to them

I feel like I am watching everything from space
And in a minute I hear my name and I wake
I think the finish line's a good place we could start
Take a deep breath, take in all that you could want'

You know, its funny how life just slams into you sometimes. Good ways, and bad ways, always with the same effect of knocking us flat on our backs and forcing us to squeeze our eyes shut tightly and then open them again. Its that blinding first light that makes you pull up your hand to shield yourself. Its that instant that your on the ground, flat on your back, remembering what happened to get you there.

It really is funny. Its been a weird week. It started out weird and the weirdness carried on through the week, I haven't gotten enough sleep, mostly because I'm thinking to much again, reading into things better left alone, it makes it hard to be somewhere quiet. I feel like I've been stuck in a haze, like I was walking around in that weird state between sleeping and wakefulness. The weeks been a blur of class, huge amounts of work and time with many different friends who felt like it was time to rescue me from myself. I'm eternally grateful, I've been out for drinks, talked till 4am, and laid out in the autumn sun for hours, simply enjoying the sun warming my skin and the presence of my guys all around me. They kind of surrounded my chair and told me to lay back and get some rest, they were sure that if they were there around me, maybe I could sleep without a nightmare. I love them for it. It was the only real rest I've gotten so far. But that's all changed.

You know those times when you have so much to do that you don't have time to think about anything, ANYTHING else? Its been one of those weeks. Exams, papers, art projects, private design work, I'm not really sure how it all piled up, I'm usually one to get my work done quickly and efficiently, but its been a week of long days and longer nights. I didn't realize how much I had to do until I finished it all today. I gave Ed the final working .swf files for the Rebel Magazines website and finished my ad design at work today and came home and sat on my bed and realized I had done everything I needed to do, got it in on time (I thought I wouldn't, but I did) and that I could have some rest. I didn't realize how I'd forgotten everything that's happened this week. I didn't realized how exhausted I was. I didn't realize how much I was letting some things weigh on my mind until I actually had time to think about it. Its like the sky just opened up on me at 3:30pm and I couldn't do anything but sit and cry. I get that way when I'm tired. When I'm so exhausted I cant sleep, I get frustrated and cry. I hate it. But it feels so good to just get it out. I bought the new Snow Patrol album this week 'Eyes Open', everyone should go buy it, its absolutely gorgeous, truly. I've been listening to it all week, its so good, its songs are so straight to my heart. Like it was written just for me, just for my heart this week. Up and down, busy and then right at the 'Finish Line' its slows down and pulls out out of reality and sets you somewhere high above, so you can float and just take a deep breath and close your eyes and lie in peace and joy of being completely non Earthbound. It really is extraordinary.

I get upset with myself when I let myself just cry, so I strapped my iPod to my arm and slid into my shorts and tank top and just started running around the complex. I ran fast as I could, I wanted to lose myself, I counted the times my feet were pounding the pavement, I let my mind follow the terrain and listen to Snow Patrol. I didn't want to be in my head anymore, I wanted to be in my body, I concentrated on every muscle moving. Every footfall. I didn't see the curb come up. I hit the concrete on the back end of the basketball courts and fell flat on my back. Luckily there was no one out to see it. I scraped my knee up, and hit my head. I didn't get up. I squeezed my eyes shut and let what just happened process, I let the shock pass over my body, then I sat up to survey the damage. I stared at my knee, it was a little scrap, but it was bubbling up with just a tiny bit of blood. I just stared at it and started laughing. It sounds insane. I felt so embarrassed that I tripped all over myself, a zillion dumb blonde jokes ran through my head, I could hear Jeremy asking me if I walked much, I could see the 'Most likely to trip over a Nobel prize' line from the senior trip photobook award that I got. I just laughed. I closed my eyes and let the wind blow around me. I let the sun warm my skin. I looked at that little puddle of blood and saw how much I needed to see it. Its sounds weird. I felt numb all week. I had so much to do, so much to deal with that I was just kind of floating through in a numbness. I was laughing because it stung to cut my knee, I was feeling the first real thing I'd felt all week. I smiled and thought about things. I thought about how proud I was of myself for having the endurance to get everything done and in on time. I thought about how much I missed hanging out with some of my friends who have also had a week of nonstop work. I thought about how weird it was that I was in the position I was in at this point in my life. I never thought life would swing me back around to graphic design, but it has. I didn't get into photo, which introduced me to Stephanie, who was so impressed with my design work at the paper that she hired me on as one of her three graphic designers for the entire university system. I thought I'd given up graphic design sophomore year, but it seems that door has swung wide again, so I'm assembling two portfolios now, photo and graphic. I thought about how much I love my friends, how much I miss them when I cant see them. I how much it means to me when I get a message from them, even if its a simple text wishing me a good day, or a comment on my myspace wall, or facebook wall, or a message left on my aim for when I come home. I thought about how much I miss my family. I miss talking with Mommy at night while she sits with me before we both go to sleep. I miss debating Daddy over southern food on Friday afternoons. I miss the boys. I didn't know I could love two human beings so much. I didn't know I could be so proud of two gorgeous men. I didn't realize how much I would miss them when I left them. I've never been away from them for so long before until I went to college. I miss watching soccer games and embarrassing them by running up and down the field, I miss sitting in Books-a-million with them after school, reading the trashy magazines together and laughing about how we're going to be famous and never let that happen. I thought about how glad I am to be alive. How beautiful my life is. How proud I am of the things I've accomplished. Things aren't perfect. I'm still hurting from scars I sustained from different battles, but its so gorgeous. Everything. My friends. My family. School. Work. Design. Writing. Photography. Its just beautiful. I'm happy. I feel good. Life is beautiful.

I laughed at my knees, I smiled at my life. I closed my eyes and let the wind blow around me. I thanked God for everything Hes given me. The people He has placed in my path. I thanked him for the beautiful souls I have the privilege of spending time with. I thanked Him for knocking me flat. I thanked Him for forcing me to squeeze my eyes shut. I thanked Him for letting me get re centered. I thanked Him for everything illuminated.

For indeed. Everything is illuminated. Everything is beautiful. It's not a finish line. Its a new beginning.

Captivating.

Captivating love. Its a subject I've wanted to write about for awhile, and it came up alot this weekend, so I thought it would be appropriate to take a stab at it here. Mom also bought me a book for my quiet time called 'Captivating' by John and Stasi Eldredge, the same couple that wrote 'Wild at Heart' for men. Its a fun read. I'm trying not to read the whole thing a once because its a pretty deep text. I want time to be able to read and think on whats being said. The basic gist of the book is kind of an instruction manual on how a woman can keep her Feminine heart. Be vulnerable but not walked over, keep her dreams of white horses and knights and not allow the heartbreaks of yesterday crush her spirit. Its exciting . We all know women are more complicated then men, if for no other reason than we tend to decide with our heart and not our head. We allow our emotions to have a larger hold on us in general. Its not a bad thing. I love it. I love knowing that every decision that I make is made with my heart. Some things are reserved to be made rationally, but my heart reigns, I know that any decision I make with it, whether to pain or happiness is completely my own because I sought it out with my heart.

It came up this weekend, this subject of love. With some of my guy friends and many of my girlfriends. One theme that was brought up repeatedly was the subject of whether or not it is worth the risk. Whether or not one should invest ones heart in another, because it may at some point end in heartache. I had interesting arguments on both sides but I really wanted to get my view across as well.

Love can hurt. We all know that. Its as beautiful as it is ugly and its happy and painful, just like life. Things don't always go the way we want them too, but in the end, you learn something. Just as its supposed to be. I've had some extraordinary love affairs in my life. I'm one to have serious relationships, of course I've dated, more people then I can remember, but relationship, boyfriend wise, I've had some really great loves. I feel privileged. I was the keeper of someones heart, the subject of someones love. Though those loves ended, heartbreak and pain, it was beautiful as well. I'm not the same person I was when I was 16. I'm not the same person I was when I began each of these relationships. I've changed, for the better. I've learned great lessons that I'll treasure forever. I've walked hand in hand with some extraordinary people, and each one of them shone a light into a part of me I hadn't seen before, each brought to the surface some hidden part of me that makes me the woman I am now. I am eternally grateful to each of them for contributing to my overall person now. Does that mean it was always roses and starlit picnics? Not at all. Hurt, pain, those things were there too. Every relationship, and I can say this with great authority has its ups and downs, things go perfect and then wither away as quickly as the wind, but its the moments in between, the memories that make them worth it. If one could crawl into my head and see my memories it would be like a photo book. I'm a photographer, my memories are snapshots. You would see the smiles and flowers at school. The special birthday dinners, the laying under the stars talking face to face. Each moment of my life is precious to me. I'm not naive enough to say that I want to forget everything that happened when I was with so and so because it ended and I was heartbroken. These snapshots, these words, these memories, they're my most precious possession. Sure, at the time of breakups it was time to lock those things way to prevent torment and further crushing of a broken heart. But, as with a death, in time, the heart heals, the scars fade and the time to take out that old dusty box of memories is ok. I made it a point to avoid thinking about it during my healing process, but when the time came where I knew I could look objectively at the time then I began to allow myself to see things that happen. I still smile at the times I've had with my loves. They were great highlights in my life, great men who helped shape me. Their hearts were precious to me, as their memories are to me now.

Thinking about it, I know how someone can look at the whole process, the infatuation at the beginning, the happiness and peace that settles with time and then the fallout of heartbreak and say, no, its not worth taking someone who I'm not sure it could come to marriage with. I can see how some may see that as a plausible reason to skip the whole serious dating thing. I just know how I feel, that love is love. Its beautiful to me. I love meeting someone new and spending time with them, enjoying their presence, learning about them. I understand that when I begin to invest care and feelings into someone that things could go rotten at any moment, but isn't that what life is about? Taking risks, getting thrashed? Corey Crowder is a really extraordinary guy, he recently was one of our headliners for Waking Hour. I got to sit and talk with him after we did sound check and we were all hanging out waiting for showtime. He and his beautiful wife were asking about me and I mentioned and that my favorite of Corey's songs was 'Learning to let go'. They asked why and I told them about how the song reminds me that life is beautiful, that great love comes and goes, that in the end, when that great loves time comes to a close its important to be able to look back and say that things are going to be ok. That as the song says, you have to remember to live your life, and most importantly, that you have to let go of the past. The song goes like this...

'Am I wasting my breath?
Cause it's still in my mind
That its always the wrong place
At the wrong time
So lets face the facts
We all make mistakes
We've got to live life
Before it passes right by.

So before you pack your things and go
There's one last thing that I want you to know
That you can't find happiness
If you won't let go

Can't agree on one thing
You can't fight fate with fate
We had a good love
But it's seen it's last days
When opportunity knocked
You had to answer the call
Those clouds on that sunny day
Have all blown away.

So before you pack your things and go
There's one last thing that I want you to know
That you can't find happiness
If you won't let go.

So open your eyes
You're bound to get hurt sometime.

So before you pack your things and go
There's one last thing that I want you to know
That you can't find happiness
If you won't let go.

No, you can't find happiness
If you won't let go.'

Its important, the most important thing, to be able to let go of things, to take the beauty of the time and collect it and cherish it, but to remember that things are beautiful and painful, that this life is all we have. Love comes and goes. We all strive to have the one person, that one soul to come along and to invest completely our heart and passion into. We hope to inspire a total passion from someone in us. To be able to look at someone and know that they love you with all of their heart. Its the desire of all to be loved. Who says it happens once in life? There was a quote in the season finale of Greys Anatomy last season by the Chief of Medicines niece, who knows shes going to die of ovarian cancer, the hospital put on a prom for her, since she didn't get a chance to attend her own, so all of the doctors and everyone got all snazed up and came to prom at Seattle Grace. The scene is of the niece and her boyfriend slow dancing, the Chief comes in and asks to cut in, now the boyfriend is scared of him because of some earlier back story, but the boyfriend scampers away quickly, and he begins to dance with his niece...

Chief: 'Can I cut in?'
*boyfriend walks away quickly*
Niece: 'What did you say to my boyfriend to make him that scared of you?'
Chief: 'I'm a frightening man Cammie'
Niece: 'No your not'
Chief: 'Where Brian is concerned, Yes I am'
Niece: 'Be kind to him, He loves me. I've been loved. That's something that everyone should have at least once in their life... I've been loved'

Its really sad, of course, shes so young, and shes dying, but what she says in absolutely true. Everyone should be loved at least once in their life. Why limit it to one? Doesn't love shape us? Our mothers love, our fathers love? It brought us into the world, it raised us, it shaped who we are today. Lack of love in a person shows in impossibly sad ways. No one wants to be the old spinster cat lady.

Its a risk, life is a risk, every breath you take could be your last. Your so incredibly small, a blip on the time line of history. There were millions before you, their will be millions after you. You're one of 6 billion+ people on Earth. What makes your life matter? Love. Life. Realizing that its not always about you. Sharing something so special as your heart with someone else is what makes like beautiful, and painful. Its what brings tears of happiness and tears of sadness. What is life without love? Without emotion? Why make life so cruel as to live it without great passion and great risk? Love is worth the fight. Even if in the end you lose some blood, in the end, the journey is better than the destination. With great risk, come great reward. Live life, before it passes right by, live, laugh, love. Its beautiful and its painful, but its all we've got, why not live it with great passion?

'The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.'

Alfred Lord Tennyson